Frank, I don't usually respond in detail to your posts, but this one seems to resonate with me a bit so here goes...
Quote: I thought about what I would wish for. I wish I had a wife. I wish I had someone who was glad to see me when I come home. I wish I didn't have to sleep alone. But we all kind of wish those things here, don't we?
Yes, we do. I just read an article about a portrait photographer (that part isn't important) and in the article it said this person had a quote taped to their computer monitor that said "What would you do today if you knew you couldn't fail?" Your thoughts made me think of that. We all have hopes and dreams and somehow we start feeling dirty when those hopes and dreams center around a person we come to feel unworthy of them. I think I thought of that quote because it made me think of all the things we, and our WAS do, or DON'T because of the fear of failure. You are afraid to wait OR push because of what it may result in. SHE is afraid of being with you because she knows what your failure to have truly changed would mean to her. Fortunately for you, you are strong enough to overcome these fears and make decisions, realizing that you must accept the outcome, whatever it may be.
Quote: And it's not like she's going to do or say anything to make me feel like I matter to her.
No, that's the problem Frank; at any time you know SHE might do something to make you feel like you matter to her. I think it's BF Skinner's theory at work here of variable reinforcement of behaviors. If she NEVER did those things, you would just stop doing the behaviors that you think cause them, i.e. acting lovingly towards her, etc. No, you are down, I think, because you are just tired of the game.
Quote: How sad. To be living with your 'wife', knowing she doesn't care about you, that she's really wondering when 'someone' will come into her life and 'love her completely', and that the possibility that she thinks that someone might be you, is zero.
Ok, you know this isn't true. Well, the first part is, but that last bit about you having zero chance of being the "one" is not true. There is always hope, and there's always a chance. You know that or else you wouldn't be saying things like "I need to get her off the fence because it's the only thing that will stop allowing her to live in her fantasy world." Now, since you still love her, and have always expressed that FAR beyond how many of us would, I know at least part of you still hopes once off the fence, she will end up on your side of it. Now, that doesn't sound like someone who thinks they have zero chance of being the "one". Frank, you already are the "one" she just doesn't know it...yet.
Quote: In the past, I could never imagine her not loving me. Now I can't imagine her showing me she does loves me.
I totally understand and empathize with this statement. It doesn't take long for us to feel this way does it...hmmm...wonder how long it took our W's to feel this way...
Quote: I just realized I don't remember what it feels like to be loved by her. Just what it feels like to be hurt by her. What awful things we do to each other, us 'humans'. I wonder when I'll ever let myself 'feel' love again?
Again, can you imagine her saying this exact thing a few months ago? She DOES NOT get a pass in all this, but as you well know, she THINKS she does. I can only hope time and distance from the past will help her realize that things are not as the seemed, they are as they are.
Quote:
Well, I'm sure tomorrow will be different.
This, my friend, is the only thing we know for sure.
