Well, just thought I'd end the nite with a few comments.
Came home and D10 was getting ready for bed so I tucked her in and sat and talked a while. She was much happier that I spent the time with her.
W was watching TV, nothing in particular. She had made some dinner and put it in the fridge. Some kind of 'pork thing' wrapped around like, stuffing. It wasn't cooked all the way through cuz it was a little pink on the inside. So I only ate the outside. She usually cooks better than that. Oh Well.
I sat in the dining room, away from her. Then went into TV room to be sociable. She didn't really talk much, but she smiled a little when she did. I think she feels like something is up with me. Or wait, she could be PROCESSING. Too bad.
We did have a pleasant 10 minutes of tv watching and small talk about the show (food network chef competition). But, we both decided to 'go to bed' and I made sure I left first. She said 'you sure look tired' and I said 'yep, and I get to get up again tomorrow and do it all over again'.
As I was brushing my teeth I had this fantasy that she came into my (our) room and hugged me and decided to sleep in my bed tonite. Then I said to myself 'You Wish!'.
I thought about what I would wish for. I wish I had a wife. I wish I had someone who was glad to see me when I come home. I wish I didn't have to sleep alone. But we all kind of wish those things here, don't we?
I'm not dwelling on 'I used to have a wife...' or any of that stuff. I'm really glad I only saw her for 10 minutes. I feel a lot better staying away from her, it makes me feel like I don't have to care what happens to her. And it's not like she's going to do or say anything to make me feel like I matter to her.
How sad. To be living with your 'wife', knowing she doesn't care about you, that she's really wondering when 'someone' will come into her life and 'love her completely', and that the possibility that she thinks that someone might be you, is zero.
In the past, I could never imagine her not loving me. Now I can't imagine her showing me she does loves me.
I just realized I don't remember what it feels like to be loved by her. Just what it feels like to be hurt by her. What awful things we do to each other, us 'humans'. I wonder when I'll ever let myself 'feel' love again?
Well, I'm sure tomorrow will be different. Counseling can have an effect on her especially when C is going to hit her with some reality. I think I'll stay at the office late again. It's safer there.
