Well, this morning talked with W because I saw she was kind of having something on her mind. She has been emotionally 'vacant' the past several days and generally unhappy.
She said that she felt a whole lot better when she was away on her massage workshop last week, stuck to her diet and felt less pressure on her when she was there.
But here at home she is having trouble with her diet and just feels pressured. She isn't making enough money to pay anything other than the rent on her office. Problems Problems Problems.
Her friend Donna told her that she also had the same issues and that the workshops are a special environment and home is different and she needs to find a balance.
And, W says to me, "I feel like we are stagnant because we're not moving forward with the divorce". She says "But I know we're waiting because of money and to make it easier on the kids".
hmmm
I asked her a few questions about she and I, and how we are getting along, and she thinks we are getting along 'fine'. No issues there.
I saw Counselor today and told her some other stuff plus this and she suggested that we have been in a 'stalemate' in our 'relationship'. It needs a push one way or another. And that W is using that lack of 'moving forward' as an excuse for why her life isn't all roses.
So, next time she brings up anything like this I will tell her that nobody is forcing her to stay here. That I will be fine with or without her and that she has SEEN that I am fine. I will take care of the kids and they will also be fine.
So go. Take enough money from our home equity account each month to pay for rent for a small apt and I'll prepare the house to be SOLD in July. Then you'll have money and we'll just settle up on whatever you take.
She'll probably argue about the kids routines and the pets and all the stuff she has said before, but I can handle all those things. She can file her divorce papers too - if she wants to. Whatever will make her happy.
I'll tell her that I'll always love her forever and that everything will work out since we won't have to fight over anything. That I really don't want a divorce but I don't want to stay stuck in limbo either.
Counselor said to wait until she brings something up again, and then hit her with reality. She CAN get what she says she wants. Here. Take it.
She might. She might not. C says most people won't leave a situation where 90% of their needs are being met.
If we don't end up talking about this before Thursday, C will bring it up in W's session with her anyway. I told C how I could help her afford a place to live that would not look like it was 'charity'.
I told C that I am starting to feel used. The sex was just using me, she lives here and is using me. I worry about how she actually feels about me. C said to stop worrying about that because she doesn't FEEL for anybody right now. Not even the kids. That makes me sad that she doesn't really feel anything. I really want to feel loved, even of it's just a little bit. My kids love me so that will do.
The stalemate has to end I guess. I think this was the 'fear' that I needed to get over. It's part of my journey. I've already removed all the reasons she was LEAVING that had to do with me. Now I have to remove all the reasons she is STAYING in this 'in between' place so she CAN leave.
Still crazy. I get these challenges because I can do them. Of course I'm afraid. Afraid she will actually leave. But she's already emotionally vacant. What would be diferent? And what does SHE think will be different? Does she just not want to be a mother any more? What?
Well, not the best situation to be in but kind of inevitable. She's not going to 'just come back'.
For now I am going to distance and she can feel the aloneness. I really hate this and I want it to be over. But, as C said, she is acting like a teenager, she's not getting what she wants.
C says that W probably thought she could just say 'I want a divorce' and she could stay in the same house and I would take care of everything. Nope.
I sometimes wish there wasn't such a strong connection between us, at least for me. It would make this much easier.
