I feel better today. Haven't seen W this morning, she's off on her morning exercise walk. She's got some massages today and some of the usual 'routine' things to do. I'm getting a sense that she really had a lot of other 'Sh*t' in her head yesterday that was just blocking her from being present. I know she had a lot of anxietys on this business trip she went on, a lot of self doubt, a lot of fears. I could speculate on all of them but the truth is it doesn't matter.
Whether or not she feels good or bad about 'us', or even if in her mind there is anything that could be called 'us', she still needs to live her life. And it is HER life, not mine.
So far she's said no words of discouragement, nothing about divorce or separation or things related. And as my Counselor says, the only difference between her life today and her life 6 months ago is that she is not sleeping with me, or having intimate interactions.
What's the same:
* We live in the same house * She still does all the same 'routines' every day with the kids. * She does the same household routines, caring for pets, cleaning. * She talks to me about her days, her issues with others. * We watch our favorite TV shows together * We do family stuff together * When we are at kids functions we get along very well together, are outgoing and joke with each other. * When she falls down emotionally, I pick her up.
What's different:
* She has her own room, her own space. * We don't sleep together or have sex * We have limited 'personal' interactions, hugs, kisses, touching * We never say 'I love you' or talk about how we feel about each other. * She has had feelings for someone else that were 'more intense' than the feelings she has had for me for years. So in comparison, the feelings for me seem smaller. * She has to earn her own money and is struggling to increase her business so she can contribute HALF of all the costs of being in this family. * She has a real understanding of what it DOES take to support this family financially. * She is getting her body in better shape, healthier.
What am I grateful for:
* OM was exposed to be a loser quicker than most and now that influence is not there. * We spent a week allowing ourselves to share intimacy and caring which gave her a new, more positive point of reference of who I am. * She is examining her past with me and seeing 'the good' that was there, wondering why she didn't see it when she was living it. * She took time to say how she appreciated some things I was doing for her and our family. * She is not mean or angry at me any more. * She doesn't need my approval for the things she does. * She IS doing things 'on her own' without worrying if 'Frank would like me to do this" or "Will I mess up and make Frank think I can't do this". * I have relationships with my girls that weren't there before. So much so that when I'm gone, my presence is missed. Even W notices. * I rarely get angry or yell at the kids * Instead of deferring all discipline or decisions about the kids to W, I command a strong presence and set expectations for them, and hold them to a higher standard EVEN if it means taking a contrary position from W. And I do all this lovingly and with respect. * I am getting healthier, and my mind is clear of the fog I was in. I can solve harder problems and actually focus. * Stopping the use of alcohol as 'medicine' was not a problem. For a lot of people it would have been. I don't even miss it. * I can see a future that isn't all gloom and doom. * I stay in the 'crashed and needy' mode less and less. * I can see that I am a good man, and that I can be loved and desired by a woman. * I am a source of strength and inspiration for others. That is a real privilege to me.
Sometimes I wish the people who have come to know me through this board, and who believe in the truth of who I am could write her a letter, and tell her not to be afraid, to be willing to see that there is a lot of hope and potential, that her love for all these years did not go to waste. I wish she could see that on her own.
I learned that the love you create within a marriage and a family is much more powerful than the love of infatuation, dependence or anything else that is intense, but fleeting.
However it turns out, I CAN say I did all I could. And be at peace knowing it was her life that needed the fixing just as much as mine. And if we are together again, I'll continue to live my life this new way and never let her or I become those people we were.
For all that, I am grateful.
Time to have a good day.
If you read this, don't forget that if I can do this, so can you!
