Hey LP, I read Eat, Pray, Love, last week and it was a great book as well. "Hot Water speaks to every woman's dream of reclaiming the sensual joys of life"
Quote: It is much easier for people to change their experiences than to change their self-concept of who they are. Mojo is a rare bird in that sense. It can be done and is often very successful in terms of happiness, but extremely difficult for many people.
I wouldn't say that I've successfully changed my self-concept. I would say that I've experienced some success in exploring the idea of changing my self-concept. I've only crawled far enough out of my rut to see that I was in a rut but I haven't escaped it. Being on this board actually makes it more difficult because I have a natural tendency to want to affiliate with the HDfolk and an even stronger natural tendency to want to disaffiliate with the LDfolk. Actually, recognizing this tendency in me is part of what helped me to work towards changing my self-concept. I had a female friend with whom I had a lot in common, same politics, same sorts of problems with our kids, same problems with middle-age body issues but as soon as I found out that she was quite strongly the LD one in her marriage, I felt like we couldn't really be friends. (Of course, this might have partially been due to the fact that on a couple occasions she had remarked that my personality reminded her of her H:p.) Since I hate having a self-concept of myself as an intolerant person who isn't open to or accepting of other people's varying life experiences and points of view, I was forced to self-confront. I needed to explore my LD-side so that I could have more empathy for LDfolk, in particular my H.
I still consider myself a very sexual person and I still believe that sex is a good thing but I've discovered that I can be okay with being passively sexual rather than actively sexual. Previously, when I've made attempts to "make myself more LD", I did it in a negative way. I tried to put sexual me in a cage or I tranquilized sexual me with cookies or I shamed sexual me into submission. So I ended up feeling trapped, depressed or despairing. Now I explore being less sexual by allowing sexual me to be passive while the other aspects of my personality are more active. I leave sexual me sleeping on a beach in a bikini or cozy on a sofa reading Jane Austen while artistic me tries to get her lithograph machine running and maternal me bakes some cookies with my D and competitive me figures out how to boost sales for her business etc.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
We've established that it is dishonest to fake an O.
Is it dishonest to pretend to be aroused when you are not?
I'm not talking about starting to ML when you are not aroused; that's not the question. That sounds fine to me.
The question is, is it dishonest to give the physical body signals of arousal (sighing, moaning, squirming around, whatever) if you feel not one SPECK of physical arousal-- even after a good long time?
Quote: We've established that it is dishonest to fake an O.
Is it dishonest to pretend to be aroused when you are not?
I think it depends on the answer to the question - Who is responsible for your orgasm and/or arousal? IMO the answer is always ultimately that the responsibility is yours and yours alone. I mean even if you just lie there and say "Do me, baby." (and there's nothing wrong with that sometimes ) you were the one who made the decision to give up the responsibility. However, your partner is bound to feel like part of the responsibility belongs to them, so I think it's a situation that calls for honesty but also extreme tact.
I'm feeling the desire to use a food analogy here but I will throw in the literal sexual translation also. If your partner took responsibility for cooking dinner(getting you aroused/bringing you to orgasm) and you just weren't hungry (feeling physically horny) or you felt like it needed more salt (wanted some different variety or intensity of sexual action) or you were still hungry (unsexually satisfied)after you ate what was prepared(after your partner came), what would you do? If I was still hungry (hadn't come), I would say or indicate "That was some fine f*cking it got me real hot but can I please have some dessert (finish me off).". If I felt like it needed more salt(more breast stimulation, for instance), I would probably just casually sprinkle some salt on (play with)my breasts(the side course) myself. If I just wasn't hungry, I would say or indicate "It looks great, but I don't have much appetite but please go ahead and eat yourself (maybe offer a blow-job or just enjoy the sex on the level of vaginal massage). I enjoy being here at the table(in bed) sharing dinner(physical contact) with you.".
However, I think your problem was really that you were too upset to eat (be horny)even though you asked for dinner(initiated sex). So, it was your well-intentioned dishonesty with yourself that led to your well-intentioned dishonesty with your partner.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think part of the problem is that Lil craves being presented a yummy meal and being served ( having her boyfriend be " out there" with his sexuality towards her and having the feeling of being "given to") yet has chosen a man who is struggling in both these areas. I think she is confused as to why she has chosen such a challenge and why she is hanging in there. There's the " I am not special enough to be fed in this way," which she has discussed before, but there is also the feeling that " I have had some poignant meals ( intense sexual experiences)in the past and they were taken away, and I need to defend and protect myself from this loss." Staying in a situation where you are struggling ( and not progressing) is a defense.
Lil, I do see some movement here...the awful sex ( unfortunately) is something H and I went through as we began our confrontation of all our relationship problems. I feel you do have the potential to have some beautiful, magical moments again through patience and perseverence...you are staying with a challenge because that's where you are at...keep your heart open and the rest will follow.
Lil, I'd roll with it. Not being aroused isn't the end of the world. You know you have the ability to be aroused and orgasm fairly quickly so I wouldn't worry about it. Having been on such a dry spell, things are bound to be awkward and un-sexy for a time, don't you think? Only practice and a regular sex life will get you both to the place where you are aroused at the *thought* of ML and each other's touch. Right now, those two things are fraught with so many bad memories that it's going to be awkward until you begin replacing those memories with new ones.
I wasn't worried about not being aroused; I know I can feel aroused. Nor did I blame him for my lack of arousal; I don't believe it's his job to arouse me.
I asked if it was dishonest to "act" like I was aroused, in light of the flak generated by the faking O question.
Regarding arousal in general, please see my "books" thread... while suffering from ED, my bf cannot experience arousal-- the physical feedback isn't there for him. It is the physical feedback (the E) that tells a guy that he is aroused and wants sex. Without the E, he isn't getting the signals from his body that he wants sex. Therefore, he doesn't want it. Without an E, he has to push himself to want sex, and at the same time overcome his shame at not having an E. Don't know if he is motivated enough to do this. I know I'm not motivated enough to make sex happen most or all of the time.
) you were the one who made the decision to give up the responsibility. However, your partner is bound to feel like part of the responsibility belongs to them, so I think it's a situation that calls for honesty but also extreme tact. 
