Thank you AGAIN, BeingMe, and for the e-hug too...needed that!
I don't blame myself for the affair, I know that was his decision, however I do take a good chunk of the responsibility for the fallout that led to it. My H did try to communicate to me that he felt unloved, that I didn't attend to him enough. I always took it as, "you don't initiate ML enough," and still to this moment that is what I recall him telling me. On the other hand, he has always been the child in our R, never a full partner in the boring responsibility stuff, and I resented that and tried to tell him that, he always heard, "do more chores." In retrospect, we probably were saying what each other was hearing, because those discussions always turned into arguments, and we are both really good at going for the throat!
That is why he has so much resentment and anger now, because he doesn't know why he didn't leave sooner, he is mad at me for never doing anything to improve my outlook on life until after he left. I've tried to explain to him that I was depressed, for a lot of reasons, some not even related to him. How can you love somebody completely if you don't love yourself? How was I supposed to meet his needs when he wasn't meeting mine? The sad part is that I didn't even figure out what was going on with me until after he left and I started counseling and the whole GAL thing.
After work he tried to small talk some more. I don't know if the whole "cold shoulder but I'm obviously sad routine" is any good. I mean, ultimately,i DO want to stay married to him, I'm just not willing to put up with his OW crap anymore. So, I was just looking at him while he was talking, and he said "obviously you don't care." I told him I do care, he should always remember that, but he can't have some parts of me and not others, I am not his "buddy." He said he'd call someone who'd listen, like his mom, and smart@ss me I said I'm sure he's got another woman who he can talk to. Because, he doesn't. He doesn't call OW to tell her about his job, or his day to day stuff. Even when we were seperated and she was staying at his apartment every night, it was me he'd call for conversation. Of course, I mean she's ten years younger, fresh out of college, her life and the life they were sharing is bars and friends and good times, so she can't really relate to the stories of his "real" life.
So, total digression into another rant. But it does feel good to get it out, I don't want to burden the couple people I talk to with every minute he said/she said detail. And, today I did write in my journal, it takes so much longer to use a pen!
And, re-reading my posts from today, I guess I am kind of doing the Last resort technique, I should get out DB and re-read that section. Because as much as I hate to admit it, and will not admit it to H, my fantasy version is that by cutting him off he'll realize (before he is supposed to move out) he's blowing the most fabulous thing that has ever happened to him and beg my forgiveness!
