I don't know why posting things on this BB help more than journaling in a notebook, but it does so....?
So H came home last night after work, said he feels like he wants to talk to me but has nothing to say. I just said okay then and walked away. He knew I was really upset, I know he was too, saw him crying in the bedroom. I went to lay down, he was making his couch bed, and I just lost it, started balling, all of the pent up emotions just came pouring out. Guess what he did? Had a little text session with OW. Doesn't that just define it, everything?
This a.m. we had a full blown rant. He screamed at me and yelled and said a lot of really crappy things. I know this is his guilt and fear talking, I know that. He said that he hasn't made a choice yet, he still doesn't know what he wants as far as me or OW, but he does know that he is in love with her and that whole ILYBNILWY speech. For me, I just decided I really don't think I can do this anymore. His relationship with her, even though it is "just text messages" is too much. It's the content of the messages that drives me nuts.
So, I just told him that I love him, and want nothing more than to pursue love and happiness with him, but that i feel like he his taking advantage of me and those feelings, and I can't take it anymore. I asked him to leave.
And now he is scared. He said that he would like it if I stuck by him while he is going through his depression and facing his issues in therapy, but how can I do that if he is not committed to working on our marriage. How can I give him the emotional support he wants from me when he is saying he has no guarantee of the outcome. He hasn't even said he wants the outcome to be our happiness, his goal, and rightly so, is to heal himself. I want him to be happy and whole and resolve his issues with himself and the world. But, I am not willing, or even capable, of sitting here loving him and hoping things will work out when he is actively pursuing another relationship, or at least keeping that fantasy alive.
I don't even know how I feel. Maybe my wanting things to be one way is just fear of not having him in my life anymore. We got together SO young, we were both running from messed up family situations, and just jumped right in to a relationship. He said this morning we should have broken up years ago, and he is probably right, in fact I know if we had not had kids we would not be together now. We were drifting apart before our first son was born. I know I was unhappy with our R then, so was he.
Anyway, yes this is a long rant, I needed to ramble it out. He wants to talk more tonite, I don't see what the point is. I really need to just stick to my decision on this and let him experience me moving on completely, and not let his words convince me to let him stick around.
This will break my kids hearts. They have had a major attitude adjustment since H and I have been living together again. But that doesn't change the fact that I need to take care of myself first, and remove myself from this horridly painful situation. Crap.
