I see your point, it is kind of like a time and a place thing, although I still think that what I told him helped him to understand part of my withdrawal from the relationship. I was proud of his sobriety, but you know as soon as he was no longer forced into it, he was right back on the weed. Anyway, sabu,I really do appreciate your input, I can see how that was maybe not the most productive thing to say.
But, after today, I don't even know if it is worth it anymore. I have been a little "no snooping" angel, very hard, but the phone bill came today and what has referred to as a few text messages and two phone calls in the past three weeks is actually about 150 from her and 130 to her. So yeah, the little devil in me came alive, I checked the email, (I know, you get what you ask for, I am ready for my lashings) and she sent him phone pix that I would not tell my mother about. While I know the whole laundry list of why I shouldn't have looked, it was right there, I had been so so so good, and although I felt better not knowing, I do knwo and I am of course hurt and angry and trrying to focus so I don't throw thow his a** out.
Last nite he had a very intense C session, and come home really wrung out, we talked for hours, I listened and validated and didn't bring up ME at all. Mostly we talked about his dad dying when my H was 18, then his stepdad, who he loved, died when H was 25. Yes, this has completely messed with his head and a lot this coming out in C. I felt really bad for him, we cried a lot together.
Then (this is venting, so please forgive me) he said he is so thankful he has me to talk to, and that I am the only one he knows who will listen and is truly there for him, and he knows that will never go away, and that we will always be there like that for each other. That totally pissed me off! Does he really htink that I will be there for him if this falls through? I had to tell him that regardless of my love for him, if we divorce, for my own sake I could not and would not do that for him, it wouldn't be healthy for me. He doesn't get to keep one of the most cherished things about our R and leave the rest behind.
I know that we all have to decide, while we are on this path of trying to rebuild our marriage, what our limits are and when enough is enough. I always think I am done, and then I cave in to his double-talk, and turn the other cheek, and part of me wants to keep doing that, living in denial, but I know that I can't. And, while I also know that he is having a young MLC, his therapist agrees, I don't see how I can continue to to fight for him, or wait for him, to come out of it. It is wearing me down, I am very sad and I don't even know what to say.
Right now I need to find something for me and the kids to do tonite, I don't want to be here when he gets home.
