It’s funny that you mentioned about astrology. I never follow it before but I started to recently. I find that most horoscopes on the web are just a bunch of craps. The only good one I found is from “astrologycom.com” by Susan Miller. I have been able to relate to her prediction so far. If you find a good one, share with me.
I think your situation is improving. This is a very SLOW process. If you compare to last week, then no, it seem like you’re at a standstill. But if you compare it to couple months ago, then there are some progresses. Keep up the spirit. Keep on avoiding initiating the R talk and OW. Act as if she doesn’t even exist. Beside, it’s you he comes home to every night. I do think you have the advantage since you guys are still living together and getting along alright.
How do you feel when he said he’s confused after a drive to the beach with you? Same thing happened to me last weekend. We were running errands and actually had lunch together. We were having a rather nice time. Out of the blue, he was like, I think you should try the dating scene. WTH! I was like in tears, but I tried my best to hold it together. Unfortunately, he could tell he upsetted me. Idiot. We been down this road before and then two weeks later, he would tell me that he can’t get over me. So, I don’t know how serious I should take what he said.
When it comes to feeling, nothing is set in stone.
My H also went through a confused state, on and off. I just validated it, and tried to ignore it. They have to find their way out of it, although eventually, I told him that I was done, and that I was ready to move on. Well, wouldn't you know it! He eventually had a lot of clarity about what he wants after seeing how excited I was about my future single life. So, I would advise patience, detaching, and the same ol' GAL. It is a slow process, as Hope80 says, so keep working on your personal goals, and stay positive!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
How do you feel when he said he’s confused after a drive to the beach with you?
This actually isn't so bad, because last week he was pretty positive that he wouldn't "feel that way for me again." So him being confused is actually a step in the right direction, I think...
Quote: We been down this road before and then two weeks later, he would tell me that he can’t get over me. So, I don’t know how serious I should take what he said.
This I know full well. My H has done this since day one, almost like clockwork, every two weeks. As soon as he sees me moving on and enjoying myself (i.e he is not feeling pressure to reassure me or make me happy) he's knocking on my door. I've heard "(OW) is everything you are not" to "She could never be the woman you are" I just let it roll, he knows not what he says... In fact, I was just cleaning out my inbox and I have an email he sent at the end of Feb., when we had just started househunting together, anyway, I found out he emailed her some I miss you crap, and of course told him I knew (bad move), anyway his email says "I would do anything you asked of me to prove my love to you." Romantic and sweet? No, when considering he hasn't said I love you in weeks, and before I moved he said it too much.
BeingMe is right, detach detach detach, GAL, and be happy about what you do have that is good.
Lately what is scaring me is that I may realize that I am better off without him, or that my love is not "true love" and just caring about a 15 year relationship. It's the whole be careful what you wish for thingy. That, along with other childish jealousy things where he can't have someone to love before I do
And, this go 'round of I want you now I don't is different in that before, when he decided he wanted to leave, he couldn't stand to be around me. Now, he still wants to do things together all the time, called me for lunch today, wanted to go for a drive tonite (we've always done that, since we first started dating we would drive off and get lost) but has counseling, this weekend there is a band we love playing in the city Friday and a stand-up act we want to see Saturday, can't do both, so he wants to figure out which thing WE should do. (I choose laughter rather than ear ringing). So, that is good too.
I have made a conscious decision to not let his problems be my problems, but will still lend a sympathetic ear if necessary (for the time being). That has made the hugest differnece in my daily PMA, I plan to stick with that.
So, H and i had a few moments alone before he left for his second C appt. He was anxious and a little tired from the day, nervous about his appt. He said he felt selfish because he is always talking and I am usually listening, and he wants me to know the door is open for me to talk to him, if I am angry or sad or whatever. The thing is, I have nothing to say! It always kinda been this way, I usually listen and keep things inside. I want to try to be more open about things, but outside of smalltalk it seems there is nothing to really talk about...I honestly am tired of the R talks, he initiates them 95% of the time, when I initiate it's usually because I ask him if he's okay and his well bursts. I don't want to hear ANYTHING about OW and his feelings for her, it's too much. I don't want to hear how he doesn't feel passion for me, or rehash any of the crappy things we've discussed the past two weeks...and I told him that. I want to be open and honest about positive things that I have never shared with him, passionate things, and he admittedly is not in that place right now. Plus, I don't trust him. How do you open up to someone who repeatedly hurts you? He said he feels like he is making this whole sitch all about him (duh, it is), and he feels like I am just waiting for him to provide the answers. I responded that maybe what he is feeling is my withdrawal from the sitch, that I have chosen to not make his problems mine, and that I can lend an ear but I can't lead him out of the fog. Also told him that my focus is not on making him want me, but on making myself happy and building a life for the kids and myself in our new city. And this is all true!
So, all of that background, but here is the real problem: As I mentioned in a previous post, he still wants to do things as a couple, or at least alone with me (concerts, private hot tub/sauna at the most beautiful Tea House ever, lunch, ettc)...I can do that! He wants to have intimate discussions about our R...I can't do that! Yet, I feel that these things are signs that he is reaching out, he wants to feel things from me, he wants me to open up to him, I don't think I can, or even know how. I am scared if I don't fill that need, then I will lose him. Somehow I have to figure out how to have "meaningful" R talks where I am participating too, but steer clear of the OW sitch and his feelings for her.
Any Suggestions?
The upside of our convo was after, I'm making dinner as he is getting ready to go to C, I walked up to him and said you need a hug, he said he really really did, and he gave me the tightest, most real hug we've had in a long time. That was nice.
He said he feels like he is making this whole sitch all about him (duh, it is),
Well, no ... actually, it's about *both* of you. It's about him because you didn't deserve what you got. And it's about you because if he was completely happy with you, he wouldn't have had reason to get involved with someone else. And it's about both of you because neither one of you managed to speak up and do something about your unhappinesses.
And all relationships that fall apart pretty much share that basic plot line. It's what you do afterward that matters.
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He wants to have intimate discussions about our R...I can't do that! Yet, I feel that these things are signs that he is reaching out, he wants to feel things from me, he wants me to open up to him, I don't think I can, or even know how. I am scared if I don't fill that need, then I will lose him. Somehow I have to figure out how to have "meaningful" R talks where I am participating too, but steer clear of the OW sitch and his feelings for her.
Believe me, if you don't start opening up soon, you *will* lose him. Even the biggest fool learns to stop beating his head against a wall eventually.
My own 19-year marriage was the victim of an affair as well (hers), but the affair itself wasn't the actual disease -- it was only a symptom. You're going to *have* to eventually discuss OW and his feelings for her, but until then, a good starting point might be talking about and getting to understand the actual dissatisfactions that caused the affair to happen in the first place. As for discussing the affair and OW itself, that might be better handled in a "safe ground" environment that a counselor's office provides.
Sabu
It's better to need someone because you love them than it is to love someone because you need them.
Quote: And it's about both of you because neither one of you managed to speak up and do something about your unhappinesses.
Yes, you are right, I think what I mean about it being about him is that I can't make things any one way or another FOR HIM...He actually does make it about him, too. We were talking last night, my husband used to play in a band, and he commented that the one year he was sober (he is addicted to smoking pot) he had the most successful year as a musician, played 40 out of town gigs. I realized that that was the same year that our first child was born, and pointed that out to him, and did he realize what I was doing that year (full-time college student, full-time job, full-time mom). He immediately retorted that he is not a bad father! My point, and I shared this with him, was that was the beginning of me feeling that I had to take care of everything, that he was the fun and I was the work. This is one of our core issues.
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Believe me, if you don't start opening up soon, you *will* lose him. Even the biggest fool learns to stop beating his head against a wall eventually.
My own 19-year marriage was the victim of an affair as well (hers), but the affair itself wasn't the actual disease -- it was only a symptom. You're going to *have* to eventually discuss OW and his feelings for her, but until then, a good starting point might be talking about and getting to understand the actual dissatisfactions that caused the affair to happen in the first place. As for discussing the affair and OW itself, that might be better handled in a "safe ground" environment that a counselor's office provides.
On this you are right, as well. That is why I am scared, because I do have to open up. I should say we have talked endlessly about OW, why he had an affair. Our problems are basically that I didn't provide enough love and sexual attention to him, and he left the responsibilities of family and household on my shoulders. Thus, we spiraled into this pit of bitterness, and whenver we discussed what was going on, we were both so frustrated the points were never made clearly. I heard, "I want more sex," he heard, "help me arond the house." Those were only compononets of the bigger issues.
Anyway, so I guess I am confused because I feel OW talks are cheeseless tunnels. He comes out feeling more disatance from me, and I come out of it with crushed feelings. We did talk a little after his C appt. One thing that was interesting, I had told him over the past week that my focus was on me and the kids, that I was doing what I needed to do to settle here and that although I loved him and wanted our M to work, I had move forward as if he would not be a part of that. He told his counselor that in a vent, he had taken it as a threat, and she validated me to him, and said that meant that I had come a long way since August, and that I was empowering myself. Anyway, he told me when she repeated back to him what I had said, he heard it differently from her, recognizing it for what it meant. Does that make any sense?
We were talking last night, my husband used to play in a band, and he commented that the one year he was sober (he is addicted to smoking pot) he had the most successful year as a musician, played 40 out of town gigs. I realized that that was the same year that our first child was born, and pointed that out to him, and did he realize what I was doing that year (full-time college student, full-time job, full-time mom). He immediately retorted that he is not a bad father! My point, and I shared this with him, was that was the beginning of me feeling that I had to take care of everything, that he was the fun and I was the work. This is one of our core issues.
Sorry in advance for being a pisher here, but: OK, did I read this right? Instead of complimenting your husband on his sobriety and letting him know you're proud of him and how he got at least one thing back on track (successful musician year) -- and thereby reduce the hostility and resentment in him -- you decided to turn it into all about *you* and yet another verse of that "look how you done me wrong" song.
And so many of us wonder why there's all this resentment and bitterness going on in our relationships ... sigh. Methinks y'all have bigger issues than OW to worry about right now.
Sabu
It's better to need someone because you love them than it is to love someone because you need them.
First, thanks sabu, sincerely, for your input. You are right, I could have missed an opportunity to be supportive of him in that particular moment. Maybe I have a hard time with, on the one hand following DB principles and validate and be supportive and all, but on the other hand, my H says I don't open up and tell him how I feel. My objective in sharing my perspective on his one year of sobriety (which, FYI was forced upon him due to legal problems, and has been the only time in 15 years, that was nine years ago), was to give him some insight into why I had resentment towards HIM. I view that period in time as the beginning of our spiral. AND, later, he did tell me that he was surprised that I shared that with him, he always new that I had a lot on my plate then, and hearing me say that affected him. (Good, bad, I don't know yet).
Yeah, the OW is not the real problem, I know that. We have had a major communication breakdown our entire relationship. I have always let him do whatever he wanted at the expense of my own happiness, and realize now that created a lot of resentment on my part. But, I know that I let that happen, it's not his fault, and honestly, taking responsibility for it makes the resentment go away...
You had mentioned in an earlier post that I had better start opening up before he gives up, so, in this particular example, would you have suggested I not say anything about what that time was for me? (sincere question, honest)
Wow. Similar sitches. My husband is a musician and pothead as well. He gave up the party life when we had our first son and now he feels like he gave part of himself away.
So he finds OW, starts partying [drugs] and realizes that it is not as fulfilling as he once thought.
Very similiar, but in my case my H didn't really give up his "rock star" life, and I didn't want him too, I knew that was really important to him, and was proud of what he did, the problem was that he let that freedom roll into all of his life, and I never said whoa when it got to be too much for me! He didn't really have a problem with partying and never did other drugs, just smokes A LOT of pot, which for him is not a good thing. At least he is recognizing that it has an effect on him and is addressing it in therapy.
