Quote: And it's about both of you because neither one of you managed to speak up and do something about your unhappinesses.
Yes, you are right, I think what I mean about it being about him is that I can't make things any one way or another FOR HIM...He actually does make it about him, too. We were talking last night, my husband used to play in a band, and he commented that the one year he was sober (he is addicted to smoking pot) he had the most successful year as a musician, played 40 out of town gigs. I realized that that was the same year that our first child was born, and pointed that out to him, and did he realize what I was doing that year (full-time college student, full-time job, full-time mom). He immediately retorted that he is not a bad father! My point, and I shared this with him, was that was the beginning of me feeling that I had to take care of everything, that he was the fun and I was the work. This is one of our core issues.
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Believe me, if you don't start opening up soon, you *will* lose him. Even the biggest fool learns to stop beating his head against a wall eventually.
My own 19-year marriage was the victim of an affair as well (hers), but the affair itself wasn't the actual disease -- it was only a symptom. You're going to *have* to eventually discuss OW and his feelings for her, but until then, a good starting point might be talking about and getting to understand the actual dissatisfactions that caused the affair to happen in the first place. As for discussing the affair and OW itself, that might be better handled in a "safe ground" environment that a counselor's office provides.
On this you are right, as well. That is why I am scared, because I do have to open up. I should say we have talked endlessly about OW, why he had an affair. Our problems are basically that I didn't provide enough love and sexual attention to him, and he left the responsibilities of family and household on my shoulders. Thus, we spiraled into this pit of bitterness, and whenver we discussed what was going on, we were both so frustrated the points were never made clearly. I heard, "I want more sex," he heard, "help me arond the house." Those were only compononets of the bigger issues.
Anyway, so I guess I am confused because I feel OW talks are cheeseless tunnels. He comes out feeling more disatance from me, and I come out of it with crushed feelings. We did talk a little after his C appt. One thing that was interesting, I had told him over the past week that my focus was on me and the kids, that I was doing what I needed to do to settle here and that although I loved him and wanted our M to work, I had move forward as if he would not be a part of that. He told his counselor that in a vent, he had taken it as a threat, and she validated me to him, and said that meant that I had come a long way since August, and that I was empowering myself. Anyway, he told me when she repeated back to him what I had said, he heard it differently from her, recognizing it for what it meant. Does that make any sense?
