So, H and i had a few moments alone before he left for his second C appt. He was anxious and a little tired from the day, nervous about his appt. He said he felt selfish because he is always talking and I am usually listening, and he wants me to know the door is open for me to talk to him, if I am angry or sad or whatever. The thing is, I have nothing to say! It always kinda been this way, I usually listen and keep things inside. I want to try to be more open about things, but outside of smalltalk it seems there is nothing to really talk about...I honestly am tired of the R talks, he initiates them 95% of the time, when I initiate it's usually because I ask him if he's okay and his well bursts. I don't want to hear ANYTHING about OW and his feelings for her, it's too much. I don't want to hear how he doesn't feel passion for me, or rehash any of the crappy things we've discussed the past two weeks...and I told him that. I want to be open and honest about positive things that I have never shared with him, passionate things, and he admittedly is not in that place right now. Plus, I don't trust him. How do you open up to someone who repeatedly hurts you? He said he feels like he is making this whole sitch all about him (duh, it is), and he feels like I am just waiting for him to provide the answers. I responded that maybe what he is feeling is my withdrawal from the sitch, that I have chosen to not make his problems mine, and that I can lend an ear but I can't lead him out of the fog. Also told him that my focus is not on making him want me, but on making myself happy and building a life for the kids and myself in our new city. And this is all true!
So, all of that background, but here is the real problem: As I mentioned in a previous post, he still wants to do things as a couple, or at least alone with me (concerts, private hot tub/sauna at the most beautiful Tea House ever, lunch, ettc)...I can do that! He wants to have intimate discussions about our R...I can't do that! Yet, I feel that these things are signs that he is reaching out, he wants to feel things from me, he wants me to open up to him, I don't think I can, or even know how. I am scared if I don't fill that need, then I will lose him. Somehow I have to figure out how to have "meaningful" R talks where I am participating too, but steer clear of the OW sitch and his feelings for her.
Any Suggestions?
The upside of our convo was after, I'm making dinner as he is getting ready to go to C, I walked up to him and said you need a hug, he said he really really did, and he gave me the tightest, most real hug we've had in a long time. That was nice.
