Journaling... Nice weekend, comsidering. H had first solo counseling appt. Sat. morning, came acky humming and laughing. I bit my tongue trying not to ask any questions. I truly want him to talk to me about it on his own. While the counseling thing in general was my idea to pursue as a couple, H has SO MANY issues right now that I don't think it would be productive for us to go together. I don't want to hear about OW and his torn feelings. We had company all weekend, too, so there wasn't much opportunity to talk. He did pull me aside to tell me it went really well and he felt good about it, was going back on Monday (today) for a long session. The C wants to try and cover a lot of ground quickly with him, maybe sensing the urgency of our sitch? Maybe also recognized immediately that my H has a tendency to talk all over the board, especially lately.
Sat. afternoon our houseguest watched the kiddos while we went and had coffee downtown. I've been trying to listen and validate, and definately NOT bringing up R talks... Anyway, we were walking and H grabbed my hand, something he hasn't done in weeks, (I hate making these small gestures mean something!!) we had a nice time then went for a beach drive while he talked a little more about his session. Said after he goes a few more times he'll want to talk about it with me more.
Sunday he needed to drive back to our hold town to handle some final moving things. We had planned on him going alone but he asked me to go, didn't want to go alone, and to be honest I didn't want to be home alone all day with the kids, have enough of that during the week!
This morning he initiates R talk, says that he is just as confused as he was a week ago, and just trying to sort things out for himself before any decisions are made (just what I've been thinking). Then called me right after he left to tell me that he is not trying to figure out how to NOT be with me, just rying to sort himself...kinda weird but okay and I appreciate that I suppose.
Meantime, I feel good still, I have been trying to narrow my goals outside of my marriage as well as in. Sometimes I wonder if by acting "as if" and focusing more on myself I am not truly dealing with my feelings or maybe I am just as ready to let go as he is and am scared. In a way this limbo period may help me to figure that out as well.
Not that I put a lot of emphsis on astrology, but I read my horoscopes and what not, and lately everything has been referring to great changes ahead of me, an end to something once dear and a beginnning of something greater...I've read that as a pisces I will hold on to a relationship that is over out of fear of change, and will drag out emotions that are not necessarily real, even my fortune cookie from dinner the other night said "never let go too soon, never hold on too long." OUCH, but good advice. You no, only during times of emotional crisis do I find meaning in EVERYTHING around me!!
