Those here in piecing seem to have so much insight and be so helpful, I am hopeful that at the very least journaling here can help me to stay on track. In a nutshell, me 32, H 34, two sons, 4 & 9. August 05, H tells me he has feelings for someone else, 24yo co-worker, basically between August and December he is back and forth, tells me lets fix this, a week or two later begs off. In Dec. after a month of "working on things" I found out he was still seeing her, she was to move away with him to his new job 150 miles away. I had read DB and other books over and over throughout this time. Xmas weekend, I surprised him with some changes in behaviour/attitude, basically after that he began professing his love for me, blah blah blah, lots of events occur and we end up signing a lease on a home for ALL of us in his new town. We've been here two weeks, and two days ago he tells me that he called OW, can''t stop thinking about her, stil loves her, and is concerened about his lack of intimate interest in me. Now he claims he is trying to decide between the one thing he gets from her and everything else in his life. I can see his turmoil, and feel sad for him, and although neither of us is at a point to make any decisions, I feel I am at a loss as to what to do.
I know from DB that, since moving and knowing noone here, I will have to bust butt to GAL, which is what I had done in our hometown, he took note of that. I am looking for work here, joined a gym, all that stuff. I guess I know what to do and am just looking for feedback or an outlet or??? Any comments or thoughts would be so appreciated!!
So another big R talk at lunch today. So frustrated and just need to get this out. He talks about how no one understands how he feels, yet it sounds like he really just wants someone to tell him that he should pursue OW. For six weeks I listened to so much from him, how much he loves me, how he would do anything for me, just wants me and the kids close to him and to start our lives over, and while I take responsibility for my decision to move away to be with him, I am still pissed that we have been living together for a measly two weeks and he is already back on the fence. I told him to today that I am here, I will not uproot my kids again to move back home if we don't work out, and now i feel that all I can do is detach from him and start rebuilding my life on my own, without his consideration. Of course he gets all "what do you mean by that.." He doesn't get how close I am to telling him to **** off. Yes, I am rambling, I know, just need to get this out! Maybe peicing is not where I should be, maybe I need to move over to infidelity.
Again, his selfishness amazes me. One day he knows we have a lot to work through and is totally ready to do it, the next he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, regardless of OW. I wish and want for so much, and so many times I FELT that we were on that path, I think now the only answer is to fight for him by leaving him be.
Leslie, I think you are on the right track! Detach, and GAL! It worked for me, anyway. Find something that makes you happy, and don't allow his confusion and choices effect your life. You control you, and you cannot control him. Be the boss of your life, and perhaps let him know that you are moving on, with or without him. Which doesn't mean that you leave him, physically. You could make him aware that the door is open to reconciliation, but you are not sure how long you will keep it open. Set yourself some goals, like join a club, take up a new skill, take kids for a walk twice a week. Or, even, small goals, like buy a new perfume, change hairstyle, smile more often, don't allow H to push your buttons, etc.
Oh, and try and avoid R talks, unless he brings it up. And, then just listen, and restate what your intentions are.
Good luck! Hope it works out for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thank you Being Me, you are right, and I already knew what I need to do, but it is helpful to hear it from someone else as well, it's support! Last night he began a R talk, I had actually been having a preety good day. It's always the same with him, I love you but not like that, I don't know if I ever will again. We talked for hours and we were both very sad, then went to bed and he cried for a long time. He doesn't want to let go of either of us, and I am starting to feel like if he TRULY loves the OW, who am I to stand in the way of that? He has so many issues and is so confused, he needs help. I think that at the young age of 34 he is spiraling onto depression and MLC, and I do not want to abandon him in that. My counselor had told me to hold onto the vision when times get clouded, I am so trying to do that, and not let my pride get in the way.
I don't buy it! If he truly loved her, he would know, and he would have no problem leaving. He knew he truly loved you, which is why he is married to you, and was able to make those vows. I believe we end up with the person we made the vows to, because that is the way it's supposed to be. Maybe, I'm old-fashioned. My H thought that maybe he was supposed to be with this high school crush, after spending 20 years with me, telling me how much he loved me, and that we were meant to be together. Of course, I told him how much bs I thought that was. It's all fantasy, and you need to detach from that, but still validate his feelings since they are real to him. Just reiterate that you take your vows seriously, that you don't want a D, that you will continue on with your life, leaving the door open for him, but that you don't know how long that would be. Keep 'hem guessing, don't play their game, be firm but compassionate, keep your boundaries, and keep them off balance by doing real 180's in your behaviour. And, don't believe half of what they tell ya.
I dunno - just my opinion, and thoughts on the matter. What did you mean by taking a reading?
What I think love is .... yes, it is a choice, but it usually starts with a physical attraction, and obsession almost, but after a couple of years, it becomes more .... an unconditional love, that far exceeds the flowery, romantic love (not that that can't be resurrected every now and then). I will never stop loving my H, even if we end up separated. I do know that I have the capacity to love, and I can do it again.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You are so right, BeingMe, I don't buy it either. No one who is truly in touch with their feelings can be such a waffler! Not sure what I meant by taking a reading, did I say that? Anyway, I am not going to let him bring me down. He is wallowing in the fantasy of what is forbidden. The good news is that he has agreed to go to counseling, alone and together, I really don't feel anyone who is so mixed up with EVERY aspect of their life should make decisions with such an effect on so many people, kids included. Thanks again, BeingMe, I appreciate your feedback!!
Sorry, Leslie, must've got confused re the reading!
Yeah, selfishness is a huge part of this for the WAS, and this may show a part of MLC, especially if it isn't part of their nature. I was shocked at how selfish my H had become. It's like their soul is on vacation. I have pictures of him, taken during that time, and it doesn't even look like him. Weird!
I agree that one should explore every avenue before drastic decisions are made by someone so confused, and in selfish mode, that has huge consequences to the whole family. It certainly is a step in the right direction to get counselling. I am so glad that you are not going to allow him to bring you down. Keep up that PMA (positive mental attitude)!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I am in a very similar situation like your. My guy is torn between me and the OW. He clearly doesn’t know what the heck he’s doing or feeling. Man, some days, I litterally want to bang my head against the wall. Just when I thought we’re moving forward, there are setbacks, one after another. There are days were I do feel bad for him, concern about his well-being. I can see how much this is hurting him as well. Anyway, I want to go to couple T. but I am SCARE. Not all T. share the same view as Michele. I am scare that somehow T. is going to gear him toward leaving we built behind. Sorry, I am just rambling on. Well, pls give me/us some feedback as to how T. help or hurt.
When it comes to feeling, nothing is set in stone.
I know what you are saying, BeingMe, re: how our WAS are totally different right now. Sometimes when I look at my H I don't even recognize him, he's just out there right now. And about the counseling, Hope80, I feel pretty good about the one we/he is going to, I actually called her myself, because we are approaching it as he needs individual counseling for all of the stuff he is trying to deal with, and then we will go together as well. So, I told her that I am concerned about him making any decisions re: our marriage because of his MANY issues with his whole life, gave her some background on our sitch, and she agreed with me, particularly with the fact that my kids and I just uprooted and moved away to be with him. So, fingers crossed and we'll see.
My PMA is high (today), because not only do I absolutely know that he loves me, I also know that I will be fine should this not work out. I have already been in a place where I thought that he and OW would move here together and accepted that, it's weird but going back to that place might not be so hard. Plus, I have the bonus (ha) of the OW living five hours away and he can't move out on me right now for financial reasons, so it gives me a good opportunity to do some major DB and GAL. I've seen how my GAL freaks him out...
Journaling... Nice weekend, comsidering. H had first solo counseling appt. Sat. morning, came acky humming and laughing. I bit my tongue trying not to ask any questions. I truly want him to talk to me about it on his own. While the counseling thing in general was my idea to pursue as a couple, H has SO MANY issues right now that I don't think it would be productive for us to go together. I don't want to hear about OW and his torn feelings. We had company all weekend, too, so there wasn't much opportunity to talk. He did pull me aside to tell me it went really well and he felt good about it, was going back on Monday (today) for a long session. The C wants to try and cover a lot of ground quickly with him, maybe sensing the urgency of our sitch? Maybe also recognized immediately that my H has a tendency to talk all over the board, especially lately.
Sat. afternoon our houseguest watched the kiddos while we went and had coffee downtown. I've been trying to listen and validate, and definately NOT bringing up R talks... Anyway, we were walking and H grabbed my hand, something he hasn't done in weeks, (I hate making these small gestures mean something!!) we had a nice time then went for a beach drive while he talked a little more about his session. Said after he goes a few more times he'll want to talk about it with me more.
Sunday he needed to drive back to our hold town to handle some final moving things. We had planned on him going alone but he asked me to go, didn't want to go alone, and to be honest I didn't want to be home alone all day with the kids, have enough of that during the week!
This morning he initiates R talk, says that he is just as confused as he was a week ago, and just trying to sort things out for himself before any decisions are made (just what I've been thinking). Then called me right after he left to tell me that he is not trying to figure out how to NOT be with me, just rying to sort himself...kinda weird but okay and I appreciate that I suppose.
Meantime, I feel good still, I have been trying to narrow my goals outside of my marriage as well as in. Sometimes I wonder if by acting "as if" and focusing more on myself I am not truly dealing with my feelings or maybe I am just as ready to let go as he is and am scared. In a way this limbo period may help me to figure that out as well.
Not that I put a lot of emphsis on astrology, but I read my horoscopes and what not, and lately everything has been referring to great changes ahead of me, an end to something once dear and a beginnning of something greater...I've read that as a pisces I will hold on to a relationship that is over out of fear of change, and will drag out emotions that are not necessarily real, even my fortune cookie from dinner the other night said "never let go too soon, never hold on too long." OUCH, but good advice. You no, only during times of emotional crisis do I find meaning in EVERYTHING around me!!
