Are we now saying he might beat the crap out of her if she gets in the bed.
You seem to be taking a black/white approach to this situation. He didn't beat the crap out of her last time. That doesn't mean the situation wasn't incredibly nasty and not something she wants to dwell on or repeat.
And while H's ugliest moments occurred in the past and he seems less prone to those outbursts now, I don't get the impression from Heather that she's completely confident that an uninvited return to the marital bed wouldn't result in a similar response.
She needs to get out of that M. OR, she can choose to stay and live in fear the rest of her life and certainly not assert herself.
Are those really the only choices? She can leave or stay and live in fear for the rest of her life? H certainly has no shortage of issues and he has a track record of very bad behavior. But it's not (to me) a cut and dried conclusion that he's a horror who must be left immediately. Heather is a very determined person and she's very invested in her family. She won't let it go until she's sure there's no other feasible choice. She's not at that point right now though she has been nearly there a few times in the recent past. She currently sees progress being made. Pushing H has never been a successful tactic in the past especially on issues he sees as being related to her little A.
Having said all that, I certainly believe that H's behavior is ridiculous and is directed more at punishing and controlling than it is at protecting any wounded feelings. I've suggested Heather return to the marital bed more than once in the past but I think I better understand now why she doesn't, especially when other things in the M are getting better.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
No one said he was a horror. I just strongly feel that when you are dealing with someone prone to violence, your options certainly are limited. She can choose to get out or she can...what? If people are saying asserting herself is too dangerous than the only choice is to wait and see if he miraculously changes the behaviors that he has displayed thru most of their R/M? Now, if he wants to change and get some C, ok. But he doesn't really seem to feel that he is doing anything wrong. That sense of entitlement/justification is very strong. Yes, he is going to MC and she says he is making some improvements. That is great. But when she tries to address anything SHE feels is a problem (the marital bed, etc), it's back to square one it seems with him. So....I guess I'm out of ideas.
