Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

Would you say you and your H have ever had a happy/healthy R/M. Not sexually, just in terms of respect, communication, etc. If not, than you need to start there.

No, we've never had a happy, healthy R. There is so much water under the bridge....but at this point, I feel that's all it is. Water under the bridge. If we can change our dynamics going forward, that's all I care about. If I felt like we had to address the past issues as well, I'd be completely overwhelmed....completely.

Just because it is "normal" to you, it is not normal to an outside observer and I think you need to wrap your head around the fact that your H is treating you in a way that is only going to perpetuate the problems.


I know....I've used the word 'normalize' to describe my rationalization of things that have gone on in our R. On a positive note though, I've seen efforts from H that indicate he is changing some of his behaviors. He actually called me back on the telephone last week to apologize for something. That's really something because H typically does not apologize for anything. We'll go for weeks doing really well....and then something happens like last night at dinner. And you know what? I end up blaming myself. For even bringing up the shirt thing. And then I wonder why I have problems stating my needs. I bring something up, a fight ensues, and H ends up angry at me and I'm angry at myself for not leaving well enough alone. I honestly didn't feel like I was trying to pick a fight and I honestly feel like I have a right to know what the heck happened to the shirt I paid for and S5 got to wear just a couple times. But now H and I are not speaking and I am in the living room and he is in 'his' room. So, sheesh, can you see why I might be hesitant to address subjects? Most of the titles of my old threads were 'Learning to Trust Myself' because I am so confused as to what I am entitled to feel or do.

You intellectually know it is not right but yet emotionally you either "put up with it" because you see no other options or you check out of the R and have an A. Lots of people take that road because they are desperate.

Right. I cannot fathom being away from my kids on a regular basis. They are my life, ya know? Things have got to be pretty darn bad for me to say that spending half my time away from my kids is the lesser of two evils. Kids raise the stakes so much....if it was just H and I...well it's not so we won't go there.

he clearly is not shy in telling you to pay more for the bills since you make more. I think that is not a good idea. Some may disagree but since the rest of the M is already on thin ice, you are solidifying the me vs you mentality. Not in a positive/differentiated kind of way but in a power play.

So, you're saying that you think I should or should not pay more of the bills? The me vs you mentality is being solidified if I don't pay more or if I do? I'm having trouble trying to figure out if you think the power play is on my behalf for not paying more even though I make more or if the power play is on behalf of H for requesting more of me than half.

Maybe you both need IC more than MC right now? Get each of you in a healthier place and then come together in the M.

I was in IC for over a year before we started MC and it did help a great deal. H rolls his eyes regarding MC as it is and complains about not having time to do it. He is making progress in MC though, he is responding to questions faster and talking more than I ever thought he would. As long as he doesn't feel like we address his 'issues' more than mine, I think we are actually doing pretty well in the MC sessions.

I don't understand this. What do you mean H will always win? What would happen if you informed H that you want to share the bills, sleep in the marital bed, etc? Why are you always the one to back down? Is there phsyical violence? I think you mentioned something about locking ina closet or something once. Is that his usual response if you stand up for yourself?

Ugh. I'm the one to back down for many reasons. Because H will escalate until he wins. I'm not willing to win at any price. I also back down because I can understand his point of view more than he cares to understand mine. I cheated on the man. He doesn't want me in the marital bed. Don't I have to respect that? How can I expect him to ever honor my boundaries if I refuse to honor his? As far as the bills go, I find it easier to set a boundary. I believe in what I'm saying. He should not ask more from me than he is willing to give and asking me to take more than 50% of the bills is asking more than he's willing to give. He can't 'make me' pay more. I've also been able to stick to my 'no sex' boundary. I decided I couldn't feel good about having sex with someone who wouldn't kiss me or sleep in the same bed as me. It sucks, I hate it....four months without sex now. But I've stuck to it. I've also stuck to karate. For almost a year and a half now. He's pressured me to quit in many different ways and I refuse. So, I don't always back down, it just feels like it sometimes.

The locking me in the laundry room thing is in the past. H and I were in a very escalated state and it is not a typical response from him. We had several similar incidents in that time frame, but getting physical or outright abusive is not H's typical response.

Hiding his feelings??? Seems he lets you have it quite often. Shows his anger, his disgust, his unhappiness.

He shows me what he wants me to see. He doesn't want me to see the real stuff. The hurt, the fear. So, when I do things that press those 'buttons' he hides his reactions so I don't know what causes them. Same with me trying to affect him with a boundary or a change...he will hide how he really feels and show me only what he wants me to see. Such as him whistling so it appears he doesn't give a flip about what I may have said when inside, it really turned his stomach. Does that make sense?

You have conditioned each other to respond to each other in this manner. He knows you will back down and not assert yourself in the M. You may go have an A, but be assertive with him, nope. Until you can do that, you M is going to be in trouble.

You're right. A typical situation in our pre-A R would be for me to let things build until I emotionally blew my stack. Then I would behave irrationally, pick fights, try to engage him because I could not do so otherwise. We fed off each other. But the point is that I could not seem to be assertive with H. Not until I blew, but then H could 'write me off' so to speak because I was being 'crazy'. He'd laugh and walk away. And then be angry and ignore me for days because of how I'd 'acted'. I know better now. I'm learning....being assertive and doing so clearly and calmly is a tall order for me and likely to be a very slow evolution. But I am getting it.

Other than having a history with him, what is it you love about him? What is it about the two of you together that makes each other stronger, more loving, better people, better parents?

I love his loyalty, his generosity, he's affectionate, he's intelligent. I love that he knows how to fix things. I love that his family, well, his kids are his top priority. I love it when he acts silly with me. While I can't quite say I love *him* There are lots of things that I love *about* him. It doesn't seem like there should be a difference....
I can't think of any ways in which we make each other better people, that's for sure. Lately all we do is bring out the worst in each other.