Would you say you and your H have ever had a happy/healthy R/M. Not sexually, just in terms of respect, communication, etc. If not, than you need to start there. You two have been together since 17? That is very young and I am sure the two of you have been teaching each other how to treat each other (and not in a good way). Just because it is "normal" to you, it is not normal to an outside observer and I think you need to wrap your head around the fact that your H is treating you in a way that is only going to perpetuate the problems. You intellectually know it is not right but yet emotionally you either "put up with it" because you see no other options or you check out of the R and have an A. Lots of people take that road because they are desperate. Not blaming, just stating that is a common way for people to give them some sense of control/power again. You clearly feel pretty powerless in terms of your M so I guess you need to start taking back the power. Ok, so how do you do that. Well, you clearly have monetary power but I think that is a double-edged sword. I'm not surprised to hear that the money issue is a problem now but wasn't when you were making the same amount. Your H may unconsciously (or consciously) have an issue with that and he clearly is not shy in telling you to pay more for the bills since you make more. I think that is not a good idea. Some may disagree but since the rest of the M is already on thin ice, you are solidifying the me vs you mentality. Not in a positive/differentiated kind of way but in a power play. I'm having a problem with this line of thought, with us being at the stage in our R that we are. No emotional connection, as admitted by him in our MC session last week, no sexual relations, not sleeping in the same bed...we are indeed more like roomates. So it seems to me that until H is ready to move forward as H and W, then we will continue to live as roomates, in which case he shouldn't be asking me to ease his financial situation. I agree with this line of thinking. But you need to make a choice. Are you both in the M or out? Your H is NOT in the M yet. I know that is painful but his actions seem to contradict any sort of move to reconnect in the M. Until he is willing to do that, thru sharing the same bed, sharing the bills, sharing intimacy, you don't have to much of a M to work on. Maybe you both need IC more than MC right now? Get each of you in a healthier place and then come together in the M. H and I had to do that ourselves. Working so far. I am finally learning that H can act however he wants, and if I respect myself, I will not compromise that just for a minute's worth of satisfaction at giving H a 'dose of his own medicine'. The only satisfaction there ever was anyway, was release of my anger. Afterward, I felt only guilt for escalating the situation more than it should have been (H will always win, so if I escalate, I can only expect it to continue and hence the power struggle) and upset because I had let myself become the bad guy somewhere in the drama. I don't understand this. What do you mean H will always win? What would happen if you informed H that you want to share the bills, sleep in the marital bed, etc? Why are you always the one to back down? Is there phsyical violence? I think you mentioned something about locking ina closet or something once. Is that his usual response if you stand up for yourself? Thing is, H is so good at hiding his feelings, that I can't tell when I'm doing the right thing....that 'thing' that will show him I refuse to be treated like this. What gets the message through? Hiding his feelings??? Seems he lets you have it quite often. Shows his anger, his disgust, his unhappiness. As for you not knowing when you are "doing the right thing" to show him you will not be treated like this, well, he clearly knows you WILL ACCEPT being treated like this. You stated earlier it has pretty much always been this way. You have conditioned each other to respond to each other in this manner. He knows you will back down and not assert yourself in the M. You may go have an A, but be assertive with him, nope. Until you can do that, you M is going to be in trouble. I'm not so sure you should be letting him call all the shots in this M. Why does he decide who buys the clothes for whom, what they can wear, who sleeps where. Yikes! No wonder you guys are struggling. It sounds very controlling and abusive to me. Am I totally off base here? Other than having a history with him, what is it you love about him? What is it about the two of you together that makes each other stronger, more loving, better people, better parents?
