Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

What were you hoping to accomplish by asking where the shirt was?

You know, honestly, I think I was just expecting an answer. For whatever reason, the fact that I haven't found it popped into my head and out of my mouth came the question.
I guess he threw it away. But he may have just put it somewhere that I won't find it. Either way, at this point in the progress we've made, I hoped it was far enough behind us now that he could admit what he did with it. Guess I was wrong.

A boundary is where you say: H from now on I may buy some of S5's clothes and I hope we can come to an agreement on that. Throwing away clothes that I buy for him is disrespectful to me and sends a bad message to S.


I don't really know he threw it away....he could have been telling the truth when he said he didn't know. But then last night, he didn't give me that answer, he gave me a different one. I guess I just hoped to find out the truth, have a chuckle about where we'd been and a grateful thought that we weren't in that place anymore. But the fact that H would still defend his position like this tells me that we aren't so far from where we've been.

You may have a problem being direct or setting boundaries with H so you try to circumvent the process and get all underhanded with him

Yes, this is true. I don't know how to say boundaries without making H feel 'controlled'. A boundary has to be received or heard or understood or something by the other person....in the past H would not allow that to happen...he would change the subject or argue the right or wrongness of what I was saying, etc.

But with what I've learned, I guess I just need to keep restating my position and refuse to be lead down another path.
Thanks for pointing that out....I have not been direct with H in this instance nor many others. I'm afraid to be direct because I don't want to be perceived as being a dictator or condescending. I need to work on that.


Otoh, if you want a good marriage you will have to get to a point where you are willing to go it alone, rather than continually let someone violate your boundaries.

I've been there....I was hoping not to have to go back

Violated boundaries are nothing compared to how things were when they were really bad. I dread the thought of our R ever going back to a place like that....ugh.
I do see your point though and I know you're right.

When you are able to calmly state your boundaries--and follow through with the consequences--he will know that his days of bullying are over.

Consequences are the thing I have a hard time coming up with. Leaving is usually the only one my uncreative brain can come up with and of course, that's done more harm than anything. Can you give me some examples of consequences that you use in your M or that you think would be applicable in mine?

I'm still here. I keep up with your sitch. I just don't have much more to add since my sitch is so much different.

Hey Jabez!! Thanks for posting...I need to get caught up with your situation~I hope everything is going well.

I have noticed a cyclical nature to your postings.

Umm, is that a polite way of saying I'm *emotional*?? Not me....