Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

I believe you said you and your H are working on the M and not in a a state of separation right now, accept different bedrooms?

Right.

What's the money situation.

We do pretty well as far as money goes, it isn't really a concern and it's never been something we fight about. Lately it seems to be more of an issue because we used to make about the same amount of money but now I make considerably more than he does. I will be taking some additional bills under my umbrella starting this month to give him some extra breathing room.
Having separate checking accounts is just what we've always done....I'm not sure why but neither of us seems to put any meaning on it. Maybe because we always made so close to the same amount.
H seems to want me to take over bills proportional to what I make...for instance if I make 25% more than he does, I should also get 25% more of the bills than he does. I'm having a problem with this line of thought, with us being at the stage in our R that we are. No emotional connection, as admitted by him in our MC session last week, no sexual relations, not sleeping in the same bed...we are indeed more like roomates. So it seems to me that until H is ready to move forward as H and W, then we will continue to live as roomates, in which case he shouldn't be asking me to ease his financial situation. Like roomates, we split bills half and half, nothing more, nothing less.

None of this "you owe me" stuff. That works against what you are trying to accomplish.

I agree. I should not have said that, it wasn't even the issue. Stupid thing to say on my part. I just couldn't think of anything to say to make him understand my point....that you don't just throw away something that belongs to someone else because you don't like it, ya know?

I just need to comment on your H's typical responses to you. From what I have read so far, he seems VERY disrespectful and sometimes outright mean. Why do you put up with that behavior????

How do you not put up with it? I've struggled with this from day one. What can you do? My emotions have carried me away in the past because I get so defensive and upset by the things he says and does. I'm getting better at my reactions, but I can't make him stop creating the situations. Maybe as my reactions change, he won't get such a charge out of creating the situations. Do you have anything in mind?

In the past, and what I *almost* did last night was to elevate the situation. Last night, I almost didn't pay for dinner. That would have solved nothing and only turned the tables on me for not doing what I said I would do (pay for dinner). My reactions have been very similar to that in the past...reacting in the same vein as whatever H did in the first place. Under those circumstances, exchanging like behavior only compromised my own integrity as Corri pointed out to me weeks ago.

I am finally learning that H can act however he wants, and if I respect myself, I will not compromise that just for a minute's worth of satisfaction at giving H a 'dose of his own medicine'. The only satisfaction there ever was anyway, was release of my anger. Afterward, I felt only guilt for escalating the situation more than it should have been (H will always win, so if I escalate, I can only expect it to continue and hence the power struggle) and upset because I had let myself become the bad guy somewhere in the drama.

Hate to be cliche, but people treat us the way we let them treat us.

Yeah, I agree. Thing is, H is so good at hiding his feelings, that I can't tell when I'm doing the right thing....that 'thing' that will show him I refuse to be treated like this. What gets the message through? I mean last night for instance, I don't give myself an A+, but I didnt escalate the situation either. And, when we got home and even yet this morning, he acted like he was the angry one, like the situation that occurred caused HIM to be angry, when it should have been the other way around, kwim?