Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

I'm getting a little farther into the Passionate Marriage where Schnarch explains differentiation. It's pretty obvious that I need to work on differentiation in my life....I am far too sensitive to what others think, particularly where it concerns me or my character. More than just being sensitive, I am over reactive as though someone else's perception changes my reality which is really exactly what Schnarch is describing when he explains enmeshment and/or lack of differentiation.

I had a little test last night, a test of what I have learned so far. I am mostly happy with my reaction, even though it wasn't great, it would have been so much worse months ago because I never would have regrouped. I am so disappointed that the situation happened at all...I thought we were farther along in our changes regarding how we treat one another....Anyway, H and I were dining out last night with the kids and I asked a question. Let me give you a little background on the question I asked.
H usually buys S5's clothes and I usually buy D3's (H's bill is much cheaper ). H was out of town about 6 mos back I guess and I noticed that S5's pants were getting too short and he needed more shirts. So, I told H I was going to need to take him shopping. I bought S5 several things, including a hooded shirt by Osh Kosh that had a basketball making a hoop and it said "Hoops" on it. When H got home from his trip, I was dressing S5 and put that shirt on him. H took it off. I got pretty irritated because I thought it was so ridiculous that he was making such a big deal out of not liking the shirt. Good grief. Anyway, as weeks went by, it started to occur to me that I had not seen that shirt since. I asked H where he put it and he said he didn't know. I've mentioned it once or twice since then and he just says he doesn't know where it is.
So, ok, back to the present. Last night, it popped into my head and I asked him what really happened to that shirt. I didn't give very much thought to his possible answers vs where we were or if I really wanted to get into it. Mistake #1. Because the answer he gave really pissed me off. This time, he didn't say he didn't know. He said "Don't worry about it" in a way that indicated he was hiding something. I asked him to clarify what he was telling me and he just kept saying the same thing "Don't worry about it". I asked "Did you throw it away?" You know his answer. I said "If you threw it away, at least have the guts to tell me you threw it away." No answer. I asked "Is that what we do in this R, throw away other people's things because we don't like them?" No answer. "Well, if you threw it away, then I think you should pay me back." Mistake #2-it wasn't about the money, it was about his responses to me.

I told him I thought he should pay for dinner since he "owed" me money (we went there with the understanding that I was buying because he was broke) and got up and walked out. I stood outside for a minute, regrouped, decided this was not the route I wanted to take. I went back in and went around the other way to the bathroom and came back to the table from behind him so maybe he wouldn't know I ever went outside. I paid for dinner and we left.

On the way home I told him if he threw away the shirt, fine, that's just an indication of the place we were in and those were the kinds of things we did to each other back then. But to avoid my question and treat me the way he did tonight tells me that we're not exactly on the path I thought we were. I told him I found his behavior immature and disappointing and that I feel he owed me an answer and an apology. I said "I'm not saying that to be snotty, but I just really feel that way". He said sarcastically "I'm happy you feel that way". That was it. Last night he took a movie into 'his room' and watched it down there and this morning he left the house without saying goodbye to me.

Sheesh. What now?

On another note, I wanted to add that I hope I haven't discouraged everyone from posting to me because of my reactions. I am very defensive, I know. I get particularly defensive if I feel that the other person is speaking as if they "know" things about me rather than making suggestions. We've all been through a tremendous amount of grief in our Rs and I would not assume to 'know' anything about any of you. I apologize if my defensiveness has come across as a lack of appreciation for your time and input because that is entirely contrary to how I feel. Thanks for listening.