Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

You are the pursuer. He is the avoider.

Right on. I don't know how to change this dynamic either. I've tried backing off, but he never seems to pick up the role of pursuer. Or maybe I just haven't paid close enough attention? Even if he does assume it a little, he doesn't seem to need as much closeness as I do. Plus he's got S5 whom he seems to derive a great deal of intimacy.

You chase him to get the sense of security you need.

I don't know about this part. I pursue to get my needs met because I want to be and feel close to him...maybe the closeness makes me feel secure....yes, I suppose that sounds right. I pursue to have someone to hang out with

He has intimacy and also maturity problems. He is reacting like a kid to the pain you dealt him. His pain is understandable, but he has backed himself into a corner because his ego refuses to acknowledge his role in laying the conditions for the affair. So rather than own up to this, he withdraws, shuts down denies responsibilities and focuses on his anger.

I think your assessment of H is right on as well.

For pursuers, their biggest demon is fear of abandonment.

I don't feel like I'm afraid of abandonment. I just want hang out with him, I would usually rather do things with him than either alone or with anyone else. This has always been the case, going all the way back to the beginning of the R. I had sorority friends, but I'd rather see a movie with him. And so, instead of going without him, I'd wait for him to drag his butt out of bed and get ready to go with me. He had so much power over me in this area and he knew it and he used it. What has changed is that we had kids and now he wants to get up and do things. Not to be with me, but to be with them. S5 only has to ask H to get up and he does. I used to have to plead and wait and hope. Disgusting.

I think your affair was an attempt to get his attention but you could have done that so many other ways. So why an affair? It sounds like a control tactic, an ultimatum to pull the balance of power back your way, power that you felt slipping from you.

Maybe. I don't think my actions were nearly that thought out. I have read a little about the state of mind of an MLCer and I have seen quite a few things that I feel describe my state of mind at the time. I remember feeling a sense of entitlement, like my life was slipping away, feeling trapped, feeling that I didn't want to be with H and he didn't want to be with me and we never should have married in the first place, feeling like my life was all about being a mother and nothing else but there was so much more to life, feeling unattracted to H, feeling like I would be happier and better off on my own. I felt like the R was over and the A would just solidify that. I was so angry and resentful to H. I needed counseling. Maybe if I could have recognized that those were just feelings, not really a true portrayal of my life, maybe things could have been different. But I truly was in some sort of weird fog. I remember feeling truly shocked at how hurt he was when I revealed the A. I really didn't thnk he cared that much anymore. Shocked is not an understatement.

The real issue is that you are still trying to control your H to see things your way, to respond how you like, etc. Until he comes around to agreeing with you, you cannot find comfort. But he won’t do that.

Again, this is probably right.

This is all in Schnarch. If you depend on your H to make you feel better, you are at his mercy when he gets mad for something else.

I got the "Passionate Marriage" last night and am reading it. It is impossible to be able to read and keep the things I'm reading a secret from H. He thinks all the books I read are so stupid and everytime I buy another one, I feel even stupider.

Also as you try to do things out of consideration for him, and he does not return that consideration, you will grow resentful (which is where you are now). If he does not see the need for return consideration, then what will you do? Pull another power play? Make him feel guilty for something about the kids?


If H pulls away, then I typically pull away. That is the extent of my power plays. I generally take the stance 'you want distance, fine, distance it is'. But I am resentful about it. Closeness to me is a general feeling of connectedness that spans time. I don't freak out at the first sign of him creating distance, but I definitely notice. By the third day, I'm pissed and creating distance myself.

Detachment or differentiation means you must come to terms with your core values and beliefs, know what makes you anxious and learn to sooth yourself and not look to your H for comfort.

I've struggled with this our entire R. H seems to derive comfort from so many different things~reading, playing video games, drinking, watching movies over and over, now playing with the kids. I've always struggled to find something I enjoy, a hobby or something, for those times when I can tell H would rather be doing something else other than be with me. I have never found anything I'd rather do over being with him.
I know the point of this statement and the point of what Schnarch is probably trying to get across is more of an awareness within yourself of what is happening. Being more self aware these days, I think I could handle that. The above was just to say that I think I had the right idea all along, but was still looking for something on the outside to soothe me rather than on the inside.

As much as you need to pursue him, he needs to be pursued.

What makes you say that? How can you tell?

choosing you can be made easier.

Right. H doesn't deal well with ultimatums so I think this is the only way I will every truly reach him.

I talk a lot about FOO because each of us knows our hot buttons originate there. Until we drag this out and confront it, we cannot come across as sincere in what we want and how we react to our spouse. If you can do this through counseling,

What does FOO stand for again? H and I have so much to work through, I'd rather keep my personal development separate from our MC sessions. What kinds of things do I need to ask myself to figure out what you're referring to?

Thanks!