Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

If you are looking for someone to revist the past with, and hold on to the negative things from shortly after your A, if you are looking for a guy to commiserate with you and say your H is a terrible person and that your all that, then Ill step aside.

On the contrary, I think I've done a pretty good job of *not* revisiting the past. You wouldn't know that though because you don't know how much there actually is in the past; I doubt you've read any of my older threads. The past is not gone, it won't be forgotten, but I don't think I dwell on it <anymore>. The reference to the laundry room may have been somewhat snide, but I was mostly being serious in making my point.
I am not looking for people to tell me how terrible my H is. I am looking for people who try to understand the dynamics that are going on in the R and recognize which things I can change (my problems) and which things I cannot change (H's problems) and make suggestions accordingly. Oh, and a dose of validation never hurts either right? Validation of my feelings doesn't mean that my H is a terrible person, it means that you recognize the hurtful effect his actions have on me.

<sniff sniff> smells stinky. Not sure I want any of that yet...

BF, I think you have a lot of good advice in you and I do think you could help my situation. But what are you talking about here? You don't seem to have any problems laying your thoughts on the table, so what is up with this?

I said: You mean the suggestion itself is a 360 indicating that I'm returning to some old behavior? You said: Yes.

I don't have the desire or the time to try to interpret your words. I have communication problems with my H~all my 'figuring out' time is spent there. Again, if you have something to say, say it. Which behavior, what makes you think that, does it remind you of a specific situation that I've shared already? What?!

Thats not what you were doing with your demands and ultimatums with how the C session would be run. You were stamping your foot and wanting to force a issue to resolution.
Not gonna happen that way.
to answer the apparent question though. No I dont disagree. It needs to be talked about.
As chrome brilliantly stated that doesnt mean holding on to it or letting it be held over your head constantly by you or him.

If you agree that it needs to be talked about, do you have a better suggestion than bringing it up in C? I don't recall stomping my feet. I recall saying it *is* time to discuss it and if we get into it, we'll discuss it until H chooses not to discuss it anymore. I already know that I can't make H discuss anything. But that doesn't change my mind that it is time. Time to get it out, time for me to listen, time for me to do what I need to do to reassure, and time to move on. That's not me stomping my feet BF. If I may, let me tell you how you can better help me. If you disagree with something I say, tell me you disagree and state why. Don't resort to mockery and/or trying to create insulting visuals of my behavior.

<chuckle> Very P/A response. I was asking a sincere question so you could get ideas on how to deal with it. Last I heard things were going much better.


This was not intended to P/A. The issues are already out there. The *biggest* reason I came on this board. What was it? Because my H won't sleep in a bed with me but he wants to have sex with me. That is punishing behavior. What harm does wearing his wedding ring cause him? None that I can think of. So, why doesn't he wear it? That is a punishing behavior. Do I need to go on? None of these things by themselves are 'abusive'. But when you take them all together along with the many others, it does start to look a like a slippery slope. None of these issues are new to my thread. That is why I said if you don't recognize any abusive tendencies then we are seemingly in disagreement on the subject. Have I cleared up my P/A statement?
The things that are better are: We're talking about the future, remodeling the house ect. We're giving some affection, hugs and pats etc. We're being friendly and nice to each other on a consistent basis. H has gotten much better about backing me with S5 if S5 says something hurftul or disrespectful etc.

While those are positive things, I still don't see any great leaps in the actual R dept. I am still mostly afraid to discuss anything with him out of range of our MC. I still feel very limited as far as what I can do with friends, etc. And to bring that up or try to do anything out of the ordinary will surely sour our 'good roomate' status. There is so much that isn't right, I can only be happy about a pat on the back for so long, ya know?!

Those changes your H made to his drinking habits. Were those done when you were nagging him, or were they done on his time frame, and at a point when he thought it was neccessary for it to occur?

On his time frame. Which, right or wrong, was part of the problem. I know that it is best for alcoholics to make changes only when they are ready and when they're doing it for themselves. I wanted to leave my H because he drank too much. I wanted for that fact to make him ready to make changes. That sounds controlling or manipulative on the surface, but think about it for a second before you decide that. I was miserable and mostly hated him. But the alcohol mattered more to him than what I thought of him or his behaviors. Talk about a M buster. Like I said, right or wrong cannot be decided here. It just was what it was and is what it is. The way I feel about this isn't going to change. And his timeframe was his timeframe and that wasn't going to change. We can go forward, fine. But I'll always know that I come second in so many ways. And that causes a lot of feelings that I generally just have to thought-stop.

Hope you C session goes well.

It did go well, thanks. I'll journal about it a little later. I need to do it while it's fresh in my mind, but I have a lot of stuff I need to do. I did realize something during the session though. I don't really know what to make of it, but the implications scare me a little.

Thanks for listening.