Quote: I guess he's going and that's all that matters, but I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him. This is MC, it's supposed to be a mutual endeavor, not something I'm 'making' him do.
RED ALERT, RED ALERT Notice that word 'supposed to' in your sentence? Drop it from your repitoire, delete it from your vocabulary. It will cause you all kinds of pain and misery.
Your H has full dominion and control over how he acts and reacts. Doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, doesn't mean you have to agree with it, but what it does mean is YOU get to control how you decide to act and behave. Remember our 'respect' conversation. If he is going... that's all that matters. For now.
As for the other things going on... you so make me chuckle... in a good way. People don't understand just how patient you HAVE been for the last two years... not even your H. You are the type of person who sees a problem... comes up with a list of potential solutions... then you chose one, you solve the problem, and you move on. Okay... on to the next thing, please. That's a wonderful, wonderful trait you have... quite a blessing from God.
I think what you should do with your H is... maybe at dinner tonight, or some neutral time when no R talk is going on... say to him, "H, I would like to have a date from you on when I can return to sleeping in our bed. What would be good for you?"
If he begins questioning you on the whys, how comes, etc., just keep it simple. "I want to be back in my own room, in my own bed, where I belong." Keep restating that. If he gives you a date, don't bring it up again, and when the day comes... get back in bed... and don't bring it up again.
I think what BF is trying to get across to you, at least on one point, is the amazing power of the 'unspoken' word. What is NOT said can be as important, sometimes more so, than what IS said. You are putting an amazing amount of your energy into trying to 'fix' your marriage, and because of this, you are missing the subtlies of what IS occuring.
Stop trying so hard. Relax. You are in the same house. As long as you are, there is hope.
As for the kids... girl... <chuckle>. My H used to do this to me all the time... if he wanted to 'get' to me, he would 'subtlely' attack me on my mothering skills... whew... 0-60 in .01 seconds... until I actually asked myself about this.
Most women take mothering very seriously. We all want to be good mothers. You probably feel guilt for leaving during the post A blow up... your H becomes 'pious' and holds the "well, someone has to be concerned for the kids... and obviously it isn't you, because YOU are always out, running around with other men, going on business trips, business dinners, karate," etc., etc. And this NAILS you every time.
Sweety, you ARE a good mother. You know it as well as I do. And as soon as you KNOW it inside, you will become completely impervious to these attacks of his. He does it because it works with you. When it no longer works with you, he'll stop doing it.
The kids sleeping in bed with him thing... is not good, we all know that. In his defense, sometimes it is so much easier just to let them stay put because at least then everyone can get to sleep....
But. As a good mother, you recognize this must be nipped in the bud. So. Stay consistent about the issue, stay consistent in your action/reaction to it... and above all, STOP making it about YOU.
This is an issue about your kids, not the fact that your H isn't supporting you in the resolution of the issue. If you continue to let him be part of the issue, you will continue to feel frustrated.... because he is still getting you on your 'mothering' ability. Because really, whether he supports you or not, this issue needs to be resolved. And you, being the very good and competent mother you are, CAN and WILL fix this one. Leave him out of it. All it's doing is confusing you.
As far as making a happy M. Hm. I suppose the best advice I can give you on that one is to ask yourself, "can I accept him EXACTLY as he is today, and still be happy?"
Ask for what you want/need from him. "Honey, can I have a hug?" He can say yes or no. Don't personalize it. (Hard to do, but there it is. Keep reminding yourself that his answer isn't about YOU, it's about him and what he is feeling inside.)
"Honey, would you go for a walk with me?"
I know what it is you want from him, but understand that he may not be able to deliver it, for whatever reason. Over time, you will be able to work out for yourself what you want/need in your life... and whether those wants/needs are negotiable or not. Then you will be able to make decisions that are best for YOU, and you won't be making decisions because of HIM and what he is or is not doing.
For someone who is used to solving problems, this is going to be tough for you because all of this is going to take time, and no one can give you an answer on HOW MUCH time (which would make you feel so much better... you could deal with THAT).
Consider, though, that the reason all this 'no time frame R stuff' is so tough for you is because you are learning something. Keep that in mind. And what you are learning right now is very important... at some point, the light bulbs are going to start going off for you... and you will find more and more personal hope and motivation.
Hang in there, girl. You are doing great. I sure as heck admire your grit and determination.
You WILL get there. Where 'there' is, I don't know... but you'll get there. Promise.
