Quote: There is something your H wants you to figure out. This is the second time you have made mention of a remark made in this same vein.
Well excuse me, but if that's the case, I think that's rather arrogant. I don't sit around trying to solve H's riddles of the day. Sheesh. Ya got something to say, say it. Or else let it go.
You H did let it go for years prior to your EA. According to your posts, he never asked your for anything. Told you everything was 'fine'. Its not cause you were perfectly meeting his needs, he was just giving what he wanted in return.
That tactic didnt work out so well for him. Now he has swung to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and lets you know (or was) about every single thing he doesnt like.
Its not relevant or a solution stating that its arrogant. Everyone, (well there might be one poster here) engages in this behavior of wanting to be understood, figured out. Including you.
and yes you do try to figure out your H's riddles and that is why you are so frustrated. He is not helping you very well with communication that you can understand. But his current actions in response to your behavior is pretty powerful speaking IMO.
I'm not gonna waste too much of my time trying to decipher this as you can't read his mind either.
Ok.
I dont need to read his mind. You describe his actions in concurrance with yours. you relay his comments. They seem very direct, and obvious, to me.
But the season pass to the funpark 'punish Heather untii she can't take anymore' has got to end.
agreed. what is he currently doing that is punishing or abusive.
Last time I suggested that he said 'we weren't ready yet'. Remember, he just wants to 'be nice to each other', as though accomplishing anything more than that is beyond the scope of his master plan.
What is the point of having a master plan if you cant be nice to each other?
Your talking out of both sides of your mouth. You want assurances of long term, as does he, since he responds very well to your speaking about future plans, but then you state if he doenst shape up its over.
I havent seen you post that he does that. He just says 'lets take one day at a time'.
Threats threats threats. That doesnt work with him. Stop doing it.
You keep talking about the fact that it has been 2 years. 2 years since you started your A? 2 years since he discovered it? 2 years that you have implemeneted your current 180's? I doubt it. Ill check your previous threads though.
how many years before the A were thigs not 'wonderful'.
There is no finger snapping here. This is not a 100 meter dash where every step of the race is counted and known before hand.
I think I will bring this up in C. That we need to focus on the A every session until H no longer wants to discuss it. Everything else gets put on hold. Because we *are* there. It's time.
Im interested to see how this plays out. Looks like a 360 to me.
Blackfoot, regarding my H wanting me to figure something out. You said that in reference to a statement he made "'Oh, and wouldn't that just be so convenient for you? You cheat on your H, and life just continues on'. My comment back was if you have something to say, say it or let it go. You said he did let it go for years prior to my A. I'm having trouble following you because H's comment seems to directly say that he has anger over the A and my seemingly nonchalant attitude that 'life goes on'. But then you say he wants me to figure something out and that his comment directly relates to something that was going on prior to the A. You also say that H's comments to me have been direct and straightforward. Nothing about this connection you believe you've made between H's comment and something that was going on prior to the A is direct or straightforward to me.
Its not relevant or a solution stating that its arrogant. Everyone, (well there might be one poster here) engages in this behavior of wanting to be understood, figured out. Including you.
I'm not in this R to 'figure anyone out'. Blackfoot, sure, everyone wants to be understood, including me. But I don't make elusive comments and then say to myself 'if he really loves me, he'll figure it out'. That's arrogant, immature and R-sabotaging. If one truly wants to be understood, they speak their mind to the best of their ability and do not leave communication and possible misunderstandings to chance. If they do less than that, well IMO, the problem is theirs. They need to ask themselves what they are afraid of, why they are actually setting themselves up to be misunderstood.
and yes you do try to figure out your H's riddles and that is why you are so frustrated.
No, I'm not frustrated because I can't figure out H's riddles. I'm frustrated because there are riddles at all. H does not communicate directly. He is passive aggressive with revealing his hurt and I have lost most trust in him because I can't tell if what he is saying is how he truly feels or is meant as part of a greater plan to hurt me or further show me the 'consequences' of my actions. I really don't waste too much time thinking about riddles anymore, I am learning to recognize where my problems end and his begin. Those problems don't belong to me.
what is he currently doing that is punishing or abusive.
If you haven't picked up on this by now, we are seemingly not in agreement on the topic. Several others seemed to have picked up on it.
You want assurances of long term,
What I want is to build a great today. And then tomorrow, I will want to build a great today. When I go to bed at night, tonight in fact, I would like to know I can sleep in my own bed if I choose. Maybe in 5 years he will look at me and say 'it's over, I can't get past it'. But until then, I'd like to live like we are trying. There are positive signs in the R, positive signs that H is trying. But as Lil pointed out, even people held catpive see 'signs' in their captors. What is really trying and what is simply 'better than being locked in the laundry room'? What do you use as a benchmark to gauge a truly satisfying R? Especially if you never had one? If he asked me what he could do to make things better, I could give him a list. If I ask him what I could do to make things better, he will say he doesn't know but he hasn't seen it yet. Or he will tell me to quit karate or some such thing. Tell me who is being 'clear and obvious'??
You keep talking about the fact that it has been 2 years. 2 years since you started your A? 2 years since he discovered it? 2 years that you have implemeneted your current 180's?
The A began and ended withing the span of 3 weeks. So, two years since I revealed the A. Not quite two years-July will be two years.
There is no finger snapping here. This is not a 100 meter dash where every step of the race is counted and known before hand.
I do sometimes need to be reminded of this. Although it's never taken me two years to snap my fingers....
Im interested to see how this plays out. Looks like a 360 to me.
How can it be a 360 when we've never done it before? You mean the suggestion itself is a 360 indicating that I'm returning to some old behavior? The worst he can do is say no again, that we're still 'not ready' to discuss it right? Do you think because he said that once that I should never bring it up again? I've never seen anyone disagree that the A needs to be spoken about at some point in order to get past it. Do you disagree?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Just wanted you to know I'm following along. The others are giving out lots to think about so I don't want to pile on at this time. I'll jump back into the fray soon though. How are you feeling today?
Chromo
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hey Chrome, I'm feeling relatively optimistic today, thanks for asking! I had a bump in the road and a slight attitude problem yesterday morning when I woke up to find D3 in bed with H and S5, but I think I recovered in time for H not to notice and for my attitude not to suffer for too long.
I have two things on my mind today. The first is my C session, which is at 4pm. It's been a month since our last session and while I know it's not ideal to space the sessions out that long and it certainly isn't what our C wanted, it is the best we've been able to do because of H's job. We should be able to go next week too unless something changes between now and then. We could have gone last week too for that matter, but she didnt' have anything open in our time frame during the day. So, we're going when we can, which is I guess better than nothing.
The reason that's on my mind is because I'm not sure if I should have a plan or ideas on the sessions or if I should just let her lead the topics/sessions. I guess I could ask her which way she thinks would be the most productive. Yesterday I was thinking I should bring up the A. Now, I'm not so sure. Maybe I should wait for her to bring it up. I feel like the only time I feel 'safe' talking with H about this stuff is when we're there. When we're at home, I avoid R topics like the plague. For instance, I said I was going to tell H last night that I would appreciate it if he didn't bring S3 into his bed anymore and that I would appreciate it even more if S5 also stayed in his bed. But I didn't say a word. He already knows anyway. He just chose to ignore my wishes Monday night, for whatever reason. Or maybe that's my justification for not having to broach an uncomfortable subject. I don't know.
The second thing that's on my mind today is that I'm thinking of buying a simple card for H and just writing in it something to the effect of "i'm glad we're trying". I was thinking of putting something in there regarding a second chance. My question to you all is, should I word it as being grateful that he *gave* me a second chance or should I word it more like '*we* have a second chance'?
Thanks
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
One more thing. This morning when I reminded H of our MC appt, he pursed his lips and gave sort of a dry 'oh yeah' kind of look.
Do you think I should let this go or do you think I should mention it?
I guess he's going and that's all that matters, but I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him. This is MC, it's supposed to be a mutual endeavor, not something I'm 'making' him do.
Comments?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
This is a bit off topic....but I find it interesting that my H always asks "do we have an appointment/meeting today?"...on the days we have a therapys session scheduled. He never says..."are we seeing **** today? or Do we have a therapy session this week?" LOL
Try not to pay too much attention to your H pursing his lips about this, the important thing is that he is going
Oh...and I find it helpful to kind of think about the things I do want to bring up, but I don't really go in with a game plan.
Glad you are feeling optomistic. I tend to get that feeling on days I have self-esteem C sessions.
"So, we're going when we can, which is I guess better than nothing."
Absolutely. Don't get into a mindset (like I often do) that you MUST do things a certain way. We do what we can and make it work the best we can.
"The reason that's on my mind is because I'm not sure if I should have a plan or ideas on the sessions or if I should just let her lead the topics/sessions."
If this is one of your first sessions, she will probably lead a lot. But I would strongly suggest you make a list of things you think are important to discuss and bring it with you. You can even give the C the list and let her decide what things to talk about and in what order.
It does sound like you are dong what I am an expert on ... conflict avoidance. Your H may "vibe" that you are unhappy about something, but most of the time you've got to make it clear or there is no chance for change. NOTE, I suck at this too so I need to take my own advice.
"The second thing that's on my mind today is that I'm thinking of buying a simple card for H and just writing in it something to the effect of "i'm glad we're trying". I was thinking of putting something in there regarding a second chance. My question to you all is, should I word it as being grateful that he *gave* me a second chance or should I word it more like '*we* have a second chance'?"
I worry that such statements can easily be taken the wrong way. I know my W would take it as prodding or forcing at best, and dissembling at worst (she would assume I was hinting at something else). If I were you, I would just come out and say it directly. "H, I am SOOO glad we are going to MC today. I feel this gives us a chance to jettison the past and rebuild a strong relationship together. I really appreciate you putting forth the effort." Of course, HP or GEL could probably say it better, they are good at that sort of thing.
Good luck today
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Let it go. It is natural for anyone to feel uncomfortable about MC, even the ones who want to go. He will feel dragged at first, but if the C is a good one, I'll bet you won't have that sort of reaction much in the future.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
