Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

Blackfoot, regarding my H wanting me to figure something out. You said that in reference to a statement he made "'Oh, and wouldn't that just be so convenient for you? You cheat on your H, and life just continues on'. My comment back was if you have something to say, say it or let it go. You said he did let it go for years prior to my A.
I'm having trouble following you because H's comment seems to directly say that he has anger over the A and my seemingly nonchalant attitude that 'life goes on'. But then you say he wants me to figure something out and that his comment directly relates to something that was going on prior to the A.
You also say that H's comments to me have been direct and straightforward. Nothing about this connection you believe you've made between H's comment and something that was going on prior to the A is direct or straightforward to me.

Its not relevant or a solution stating that its arrogant. Everyone, (well there might be one poster here) engages in this behavior of wanting to be understood, figured out. Including you.

I'm not in this R to 'figure anyone out'. Blackfoot, sure, everyone wants to be understood, including me. But I don't make elusive comments and then say to myself 'if he really loves me, he'll figure it out'. That's arrogant, immature and R-sabotaging. If one truly wants to be understood, they speak their mind to the best of their ability and do not leave communication and possible misunderstandings to chance. If they do less than that, well IMO, the problem is theirs. They need to ask themselves what they are afraid of, why they are actually setting themselves up to be misunderstood.

and yes you do try to figure out your H's riddles and that is why you are so frustrated.

No, I'm not frustrated because I can't figure out H's riddles. I'm frustrated because there are riddles at all. H does not communicate directly. He is passive aggressive with revealing his hurt and I have lost most trust in him because I can't tell if what he is saying is how he truly feels or is meant as part of a greater plan to hurt me or further show me the 'consequences' of my actions. I really don't waste too much time thinking about riddles anymore, I am learning to recognize where my problems end and his begin. Those problems don't belong to me.

what is he currently doing that is punishing or abusive.

If you haven't picked up on this by now, we are seemingly not in agreement on the topic. Several others seemed to have picked up on it.

You want assurances of long term,

What I want is to build a great today. And then tomorrow, I will want to build a great today. When I go to bed at night, tonight in fact, I would like to know I can sleep in my own bed if I choose. Maybe in 5 years he will look at me and say 'it's over, I can't get past it'. But until then, I'd like to live like we are trying. There are positive signs in the R, positive signs that H is trying. But as Lil pointed out, even people held catpive see 'signs' in their captors. What is really trying and what is simply 'better than being locked in the laundry room'? What do you use as a benchmark to gauge a truly satisfying R? Especially if you never had one? If he asked me what he could do to make things better, I could give him a list. If I ask him what I could do to make things better, he will say he doesn't know but he hasn't seen it yet. Or he will tell me to quit karate or some such thing. Tell me who is being 'clear and obvious'??

You keep talking about the fact that it has been 2 years.
2 years since you started your A?
2 years since he discovered it?
2 years that you have implemeneted your current 180's?


The A began and ended withing the span of 3 weeks. So, two years since I revealed the A. Not quite two years-July will be two years.

There is no finger snapping here. This is not a 100 meter dash where every step of the race is counted and known before hand.

I do sometimes need to be reminded of this. Although it's never taken me two years to snap my fingers....

Im interested to see how this plays out. Looks like a 360 to me.

How can it be a 360 when we've never done it before? You mean the suggestion itself is a 360 indicating that I'm returning to some old behavior? The worst he can do is say no again, that we're still 'not ready' to discuss it right? Do you think because he said that once that I should never bring it up again? I've never seen anyone disagree that the A needs to be spoken about at some point in order to get past it. Do you disagree?