Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

I still keep up with your sitch and pray for you. Take care.

Thanks Jabez. Likewise. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say.

we are separated 18 months today

I'm sorry Jabez. I hope you are doing alright.

In my (completely amateur) opinion your H is either Narcissistic or Borderline personality.

I have looked into that, but ended up disregarding most of it because H is completely non-social. Narcissists, from the descriptions I found, usually like to be the center of attention in social situations, etc and my H is not like that. Some of the stuff fit, but it didn't seem like enough to say "That is H!"

“Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward,

I do have this book. And also In Sheep's Clothing although I can't remember the author. I do recognize that H can be manipulative and controlling, mostly using the kids against me. I also realize his talent for turning things back on me and going off on tangents rather than sticking with the point at hand, trying to confuse me, frustrate me, whatever it takes for me to leave him alone and/or come out looking like I'm either crazy or the only one at fault or both.

protecting your own integrity and speaking to someone in a manner which doesn’t draw you into a pointless row

Bingo. I decided whatever personality disorders H may or may not have, it doesn't really matter. What you state above is really what matters. I'm getting better, but usually my temper plays *right* along with H when he tries to draw me into a pointless row as you said. 9 times out of 10 I go because I lose my temper. But on the positive side, I used to go 10 times out of 10

I don’t really know what to say about H sleeping in the bed with S5 and not with you. It is clearly wrong and unhealthy.

This morning I woke up and D3 was also in bed with H and S5. I asked H "Why is D3 in here". He didn't answer. "H, why is D3 in here?" He said "I don't know, she's screaming my name every half hour". That is totally untrue. She called his name once. I know because I wake up, I'm the Mommy and I always wake up. I just didn't run to her because she wanted Daddy. I said "H, you *know* how I feel about this". He said "What do you want me to do?" I said "Not do it anymore." And I left the room. Today I called him and acted as if it hadn't happened. Later tonight I will tell him I would appreciate it if he didn't bring D3 in bed with him again, and in fact, I would like it even more if S5 also stayed in his bed.

He is elevating S5 to a higher status position within the family than is his due and that will have a knock on effect to the way your son sees himself. He is in a position of too much power for a little boy.

I completely 100% agree. And I think our MC does too thank goodness.

There is something your H wants you to figure out. This is the second time you have made mention of a remark made in this same vein.

Well excuse me, but if that's the case, I think that's rather arrogant. I don't sit around trying to solve H's riddles of the day. Sheesh. Ya got something to say, say it. Or else let it go.

Im not gonna spell it out for you.

I'm not gonna waste too much of my time trying to decipher this as you can't read his mind either.

What do you have in your lives to help you over the pain of the affair. Most people unless they have some type of counseling, or something to walk them through steps ie. church group or like....most don't know how to deal with it successfully to where the root of the pain is gone. Have either of you done anything along those lines? Has he?

We are going to MC. Neither of is religious. I try to do things that keep me centered like karate, regular massages and have had a healing touch session. I've also been in IC since I revealed the A. MC is H's first attempt at help as far as I know.

This sounds to me like he perceives that you are mimimizing the betrayal, and from your statement that is what came across too. I know that when a person has done the wrong thing that LAST thing they want to do is stay there and no move on! A person just wants to go forward and forget it all happened.

I do not want or need to minimize what I did. I really don't. Here's the 'but'. It's been two years. I won't be reminded of it every day for the rest of my life either. I truly understand if H can't get past this. Believe me, I do understand that it was a huge betrayal. But the season pass to the funpark 'punish Heather untii she can't take anymore' has got to end. I hereby render the pass null and void. I've got to move forward. I've suggested we bring it into the open, stop treating it like an elephant in the room. Last time I suggested that he said 'we weren't ready yet'. Remember, he just wants to 'be nice to each other', as though accomplishing anything more than that is beyond the scope of his master plan. I think I will bring this up in C. That we need to focus on the A every session until H no longer wants to discuss it. Everything else gets put on hold. Because we *are* there. It's time.

I apologized for things that I thought I'd apologized for many times over....because my H needed me too. I'd hurt him so deeply. He has had to do the same for me.

That's the thing. H doesn't apologize, rarely ever has. I can apologize, I *have* apologized many times. I don't really love him anymore, I want to rebuild that, but until then, how do I pretend? How do I pretend that I am so sorry *to* him because he was always so wonderful? He wasn't wonderful. I am sorry for what I did, there were other options. I should have chose a different option. But something DID need to be done. So what do I say? How can I be genuine?

Thanks for listening.