"There were times when my son would not acknowledge me when I greeted him and H refused to say a word about it. It was horrible. To H's credit, he has been much better about that kind of stuff. He'll tell S5 "Did you tell Mommy about..." or "Show Mommy what you did/got today..." and if S5 says something that isn't nice H will tell him that it wasn't nice. So, that has gotten better thank god."
Point is that it has improved! So some things have changed which shows your husband's desire for it to change.
You said that your husband said,
he replied 'It's better than the alternative. Which do you think is better, separating where the kids can't have access to us whenever they want or for us to sleep in separate beds? Which is more harmful?'
This sounds like a lot of hurt to me. From his POV he feels like ending the marriage but because of his love for your son is sticking it out. May not be doing it in the best way...but it is admirable that he wants to do best for his S.
What do you have in your lives to help you over the pain of the affair. Most people unless they have some type of counseling, or something to walk them through steps ie. church group or like....most don't know how to deal with it successfully to where the root of the pain is gone. Have either of you done anything along those lines? Has he?
I see some light Heather, even though the R is difficult. I just see pain in him, betrayal. He is also probably trying to hurt you back with all of this. He wants you to know how much what you did hurt him.
You said, "He truly doesn't seem to get it that we can end this at any time and move forward."
He said, "He has said things like 'Oh, and wouldn't that just be so convenient for you? You cheat on your H, and life just continues on'. "
This sounds to me like he perceives that you are mimimizing the betrayal, and from your statement that is what came across too. I know that when a person has done the wrong thing that LAST thing they want to do is stay there and no move on! A person just wants to go forward and forget it all happened.
But for the one who was "betrayed" they want the person who had the affair to feel the pain that it brought to them. I don't know if that is possible unless you have lived in that spot.
Counseling, will help. If you find the right person. Try a DB Coach. REALLY! Laurie is great.
I tried to many avenues to get my M and myself back on track. It wasn't any one thing, it was a combination of many things that all worked together.
And, no matter how much it hurts or seems impossible...there was never the option that "I'll just move on." I had to figure out all that I could do.
Heather, it may seem impossible, but there are absolutely signs of hope in your M. He is there! He wants it to work, he is just very hurt and now extremely resentful.
I apologized for things that I thought I'd apologized for many times over....because my H needed me too. I'd hurt him so deeply. He has had to do the same for me.
These are many thoughts put together for you. See if any stick.
You could have moved on, but you didn't! I agree. Raising your kids with their dad...is the best. Sometimes it can be hell working through it. But it can be done. My marriage isn't perfect...but in comparrison to what it was..we are on our way.
