I wasn’t meaning that I want to punish H for his affair, because I don’t. When it all first came out I was outraged and plotted all kinds of revenge but I learned a lot by coming to these boards and I was able to see in what ways I had let our R drift into a position where it was likely he would be tempted. I also realised that there was no way forward unless I forgave him. I read Michele’s article “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself” and made my peace with what had happened. The reason I brought it up is that it seems to me that the dynamic between the two of you is similar to the dynamic between me and my H. What I was trying to get to Heather is that I feel if your role with your H was reversed and it had been he who had had the A then I am guessing you would have forgiven him. In an R where the H is controlling the way yours and mine both are, then it is more likely that the W will forgive the H and more likely that the H will continue to punish the W. I can well imagine that if I had had an A my H would not have forgiven me.
The article Lil posted about Stockholm syndrome was really interesting to me the setup she describes does parallel what happened between H and I when we got together. It also parallels my R with my first BF I am clearly set up by my FOO for this. Weirdly enough I now recognise that first-BF was my Dad (in disguise LOL) and H is my mum! There is no physical abuse in our relationship I hasten to add but it is the mind-bending way he manages to control what I do, and the way I tend to avoid "trouble" that shows how this description fits.
Heather the reason I asked whether H made you feel very special is because my first BF was like this. A completely obnoxious idiot who everyone but me detested, and I stayed with him because he made me feel uniquely privileged to have his attention. It is a device used by these type of people to control you. They turn on the charm, and then snatch it away when you displease them. In my (completely amateur) opinion your H is either Narcissistic or Borderline personality. I would urge you to get hold of any reading matter you can on these subjects especially the ones that tell you how best to deal with these types if you wish to continue the R. Some of the ones I have read are “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward, "Why is it Always about You" by Sandy Hotchkiss , and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger & James Paul Shirley. These three mainly deal with how to deal with borderlines and narcissists given that you are likely to continue in a relationship with one. You don’t have to consider your H to actually have a personality disorder to find some of the tips and techniques about protecting your own integrity and speaking to someone in a manner which doesn’t draw you into a pointless row, to be useful.
I don’t really know what to say about H sleeping in the bed with S5 and not with you. It is clearly wrong and unhealthy. Your H is using his son as an emotional crutch and that is not healthy for either of them. He is elevating S5 to a higher status position within the family than is his due and that will have a knock on effect to the way your son sees himself. He is in a position of too much power for a little boy. I think you have a case for saying this is wrong but I think you won’t be able to convince H by yourself that he should not be sleeping with S5 instead of you. I really think you need some professional help on this.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
