Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

HappyGiant:
Thanks for stopping by. It is comforting to find similarities in others isn't it? This is definitely a difficult journey. This board has helped tremendously, posting has helped me get a grip on things and helped me get better perspective.
It's a good thing that you can see 'pros' to the A. I can tell you wish the pros would have come around some other way. I am not to the point yet where I see any pros. Everything is worse.

Haphazard:
You guys got together really young, so it sounds to me like here was this guy who felt he could do without friends, when all of a sudden his hormones kicked in and he realised he couldn't do without sex. So he had to compromise his *principles* to allow you into his life - and get sex. And that seems like what he is doing now, just getting sex but not wanting to be friends with you.


Doesn't sound very promising when you put it that way When I think about it in terms of this is the way H has always been, that these characteristics aren't borne of the A....well, I get very discouraged because I feel lonely and maybe I will always feel lonely if I stay with H.

The stuff about the kids is just pure emotional blackmail to keep you where he wants you.


On some level, I know this. But I still believe it.

When you first got together with your H did he make you feel incredibly special? Like you were this truly unique person and like you were the only one in the world who could understand him?

Yes, he made me feel very, very special. And if I did something he didn't like.....he would take that away and ignore me or not contact me for days or act disgusted with me. I have done more groveling that I care to remember. Over absolutely silly things. Like getting a tiny gold ring in my pinky nail at my nail tech's suggestion without asking him first. Or buying a leather coat that I knew he didn't like. But when he was happy with me, I felt like no one could ever love me like he did. I don't recall ever feeling like I was the only person who could ever understand him. If anything, I felt more surprised that he wanted to spend time with me or that he liked me. I never felt worthy, so I never really felt enough on the same level as to 'understand him'. I believed he was just so much better than me in so many ways.
Having grown up into a very confident and capable woman, I still feel protective of the girl I used to be. I sometimes want to be angry with H now for how he treated me then because I never had the nerve to be angry with him or stand up to him back then.

What I don't get is why he gets to punish you for 2 years over your A and my H got to be forgiven straight off the bat

The way you word that scares me Fran. You indicate that if you could 'punish' your H, you would. That's not a good road for either you or your H. Take the high road Fran. You don't need to treat someone the way my H has treated me in order to heal....I have lost so much respect for him. And, in all honesty, it takes the focus off of what the other partner did wrong, i.e. the A. Because it then becomes all about you and all the terrible and punishing things that are happening.
People would probably not feel for me nearly as much if my H was being cooperative and forgiving. People feel for me only because my H is being a schmuck. If he wasn't being such a schmuck, then people would focus more on what a schmuck I was for doing what I did. kwim?
And the answer to your question is probably because the person being punished toleratees it. You obviously know that if you push your H and try to dole out any punishing behavior, he won't hang around for it. H knows I will because I have. I've allowed it to happen because I've been too paralyzed by fear of ruining everyone's lives even more than I already have by leaving. So I stay. And I endure. And I fume. It's no good.