Or that our kids mean so much to us I think is the more likely answer.
I want to focus on this one response, since it could embody a lot of what I see as the problem (and maybe I am projecting because I also see it as a problem in my marriage). Your answer could be true. But it could also not be true. What is best for the kids may not necessarily mean staying in the marriage, but staying in a happy marriage is best for them.
What I sense (and I may be wrong) is that you seem to have convinced yourself that you are staying for the kids, and he too. That means you are putting the kids over the marriage, and in your situation (and mine) this does not help the relationship. It also allows you to dodge the real issue, and that is intimacy. You are hiding behind your kids, reserving your true vulnerability for them and not your husband. He is no dummy. He knows this fully well.
He is also in a Catch 22, which I think may be a subconscious tactic by you to maintain some level of control. If he questions your commitment to the kids, that you should be putting him first, he knows you will not react well. It is common knowledge that mothers put their kids first, right? So instead he keeps quite and also focuses on the kids. Who else can he focus on?
Even though he may be guilty of dodging the real question, which I think is intimacy, you have also placed him there too. He can’t really focus on you, because doing so means putting you above the kids, and he knows that is not a position which you will tolerate. But putting the kids first precludes him from giving you what you really want.
Therefore both of you dodge the real issue, which is the pain of not being first in each other’s eyes. But the advice given on this board and in all the books as that getting your sense of self from your spouse is enmeshment, and that is bad. We are to make the “leap” to differentiation by suddenly changing our behavior. This may be the right thing to do intellectually, but our emotions get tangled up. It hurts. We become fearful and we sabotage our own efforts. We backslide.
The problem I see is that this “leap” is sometimes too big to make. I think (and this is just my personal opinion) that sometimes couples are so enmeshed and dysfunctional that in order to move forward, we first must become comfortable and secure again. That means re-enmeshing. But doing so with an understanding of what we are doing, then slowly differentiating at a pace we can tolerate. Too quick differentiation can cause such a strong reaction in our spouse that the backslide ends up going right off the cliff.
When I suggested to you to do the things I did, I knew fully well that you trying to appease him was not what a counselor would say you should do. It is re-enmeshing. But you two are stuck. He is not here to learn what he must do (and he is burying plenty of his own issues). So it falls on your shoulders to get things moving. Then you can slowly move toward a more traditional differentiation strategy. Again, this is just my opinion.
