Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

Both of you are on the edge right now. Before any progress can be made, I believe you both need to lower the emotional levels, get a feeling of security, find a little comfort so you have something to hang on to and move forward. If you two were enmeshed before, then I say go back to being enmeshed again, though only on a temporary basis.

That makes sense. I think we are sort of doing that, we are getting more comfortable and secure with the R. My problem is that I start to talk myself out of confronting issues. I think I have some ideas on how to handle this, primarily learning how to state things without anger. I am very quick to anger instead of showing the underlying feeling. I think if I can improve my communication skills, I won't be so threatening to H and then it won't feel like I'm 'asking for trouble' to bring up difficult issues.

Tell him WHATEVER he needs to hear to settle his anger with you. Have you read over my thread on Femininity and Dr. Schlessinger? There is a lot of talk on the male point of view and what men need from women. It is all to help cover their insecurities, which may be dysfunctional, but meting their needs can be the sedative they need to clear their emotions. So I say give him all the support you can. What has he said that he wants from you in order for him to feel better? Have you done this?


No, I haven't read that thread, but I will. I don't know if I've said everything he needs to hear. I doubt it. Even though it's been two years, we're just now starting to treat each other with the kind of respect that allows good communication and true feelings. He hasn't said what he needs, except that he wants me to be sorry *to* him. He knows I'm sorry in general, sorry to myself for betraying my own values, sorry to our families, etc, but overall he seems to think that I still feel he deserved it on some level or something.

I don’t think he is going to counseling with the intention of learning how he contributed to your affair. He wants you to fully understand how you hurt and betrayed him. In short, I think he still needs validation of his pain and still feels some need for revenge.

You're probably exactly right with this.

Also, he is keeping score in his head. He may well know what he did wrong before the affair, but he knows what you did wrong then too. On that score I would guess he counts you two even. Add to that the big negative points of the affair, and he sees that you have sooooo much to make up for.

You *are* exactly right with this. He has said as much.

When you disclose to him everything you did, “how many times a kiss was exchanged,” you probably aren’t helping the situation any. He is visualizing the affair and such detail just helps his visualization. If that somehow helped him work through his anger, then fine. But it doesn’t seem to be doing that. Tell him you’ve disclosed everything already and do not want to relive it. Tell him to do the same.

H hasn't asked for details since the night I revealed the A to him. When I said that, I only meant that I answered all questions he asked that night openly and honestly without holding back.

Are you apologies coming across to him as true remorse, load with compassion for him and what he has had to endure, or do they come across as justification for why you had the affair? A conditional apology is not an apology.

In the beginning my apologies were sincere, he acknowledges that. But as time went on, his behavior and treatment of me became more severe than the A itself. I found it impossible to feel remorse during that time. I simply just hated him.

Have you tried to push the matter of intimacy some, gently “forcing” yourself on him to have sex?

Sex isn't the problem, it's more the intimacy/kissing that seems to be a problem for him.

If the husband leaves as asked, the wife gets mad. What she really wants is for the husband to try harder, endure a certain amount of rebuke to satisfy her anger, but stay with her to show her how much he cares. Why wouldn’t this same principal apply to you and your H?


This is an interesting viewpoint. I think it applies to a couple different areas in my R with H because all the while he has been saying he doesn't care if I stay or go, he responds very positively to me talking about the future and anything that refers to a commitment on my part to stay.

You mention to Chromo that you didn’t want to be too aggressive with getting back into bed. You wanted him to take the initiative....but for right now, you need to get this thing moving.

There was a time when I tried this and it was a horrible experience. I just kind of walked away from that thinking, ok it needs to be on his time frame not mine. Maybe now that he has dropped a 'hint' that it isn't that big of a deal anymore, I should try to take the initiative again? Do you think that was his way of creating an 'out' for this situation without him having to 'back down' from his stance? Do you think he actually *wants* me to take the initiative?

The goods news, if you read Schnarch, is that you are both enduring this pain because each of you mean so much to each other. If you did not, both of you would have left.

Or that our kids mean so much to us I think is the more likely answer.

Why don’t you just come out and say what you truly want – to have a happy, loving marriage with your H and to spend the rest of your life with him and no one else, that you are committed to seeing this through and making it work.

I really have said that. In counseling I also told him that I am fed up, but at any point, if he tells me he is ready and willing to try, I am totally there.

In summary, I think you should:
• Be direct with him on how much you have endured over the past two years
• Tell him how much pain you have suffered and how committed you are to the marriage
• Let him know that before the affair you were in denial about your actions and lack of validation for him
• Push out of your comfort zone to show him how attractive he is to you. Make him feel What you are doing is way more than you may ever have given to the other man (he is making mental comparisons on your response to him vs OM)
• Emphasize the logic of Schnarch’s theory
• Set a boundary for his accountability in the current situation. Let him know that in spite of your commitment to him, you have your limits on what you can endure, and the time is now for him to get off his pity pot!


I will consider every word you've said! Thank you.