Am I Creating a SSM?

[haphazard]

Hi Heather,

H and I don't have mutual friends, we never have really. I had friends in college and H never wanted to associate with their SOs. H is very judgmental of others and doesn't want or need friends in his life. He'll actually say that. He doesn't like to ask anyone for anything and he doesn't like to have others expecting anything from him.

WHOA! He seriously has trust issues, and it didn't begin with you. If he is unable to trust other people to the extent that he doesn't *want* friends then he clearly has some bad issues. I think I can now see why he is acting the way he is over your EAs, he allowed himself to get close to you - by the sounds of it the ONE person he allowed himself to do that with and you let him down. You guys got together really young, so it sounds to me like here was this guy who felt he could do without friends, when all of a sudden his hormones kicked in and he realised he couldn't do without sex. So he had to compromise his *principles* to allow you into his life - and get sex. And that seems like what he is doing now, just getting sex but not wanting to be friends with you.

The stuff about the kids is just pure emotional blackmail to keep you where he wants you.

My ex-BF of 7 years had some similarities to your H, he got rid of all my friends basically by behaving obnoxiously while they were around so it got so I couldn't invite anyone over or go out in a foursome because he would just be too embarrassing. I didn't get it at the time, but of course I realised almost as soon as the R was over that it was a jealousy thing, and a control thing. He didn't want to share me with anyone (including my family). When you first got together with your H did he make you feel incredibly special? Like you were this truly unique person and like you were the only one in the world who could understand him? Just asking

You say you can't have friends now because of the trust thing, but why couldn't you invite someone over where he can see for himself that you are just hanging out and not doing anything you shouldn't. You need friends in this situation Heather, cyber-friends are good but you need some RL ones too. You need someone around who can give you a reality check.

I feel for you I really do Heather, and I get the feeling that others here do too. What I don't get is why he gets to punish you for 2 years over your A and my H got to be forgiven straight off the bat The problem I have found with the bb is that the people here are working their azzes off for the M and db preaches all kinds of stuff like if you change they'll change, and sometimes it feels like we are getting short-change. We are constantly damping down our true feels in order to *save the M* and it starts to feel like we are just letting the other S have it all their own way.

I think it is time now you are in MC to start seeing some action on his side, you have done a hell of a lot of work Heather and you are going to have to do a hell of a lot more, but he needs to buy into the idea that he's got to do something too.

take care

Fran