Heather, I don't really have any advice for you at this point. I wish I did, I think the whole thing is just nuts and I think your husband is acting childish, immature and his reactions are getting you no where. But you said something that I could relate to:
Quote: Ironically, it burst my bubble too. The innocence is gone and I hate that. I am very disappointed in myself for taking the route I did. Looking back, I think I was trying to invoke change. We were in a stalemate and I could not make H hear me no matter what I said or how I said it. Even D would have been change, at least he would finally have heard me. Unfortunately he only heard things that I wasn't really trying to say. The stuff I wanted him to hear got lost in the commotion.
About 6 months ago, I felt the same way. I was constatnly trying to talk to my wife about things I was not happy about. My wife lived in this little bubble where her world was perfect and nothing would get through to her. I talked to her, but nothing changed. I e-mailed, I did everything I could and nothing would sink in. She heard what she wanted to hear, nothing more.
One day, while driving down the road very frsutrated about my inability to communicate, the thought crossed my mind "Man, you are going to have to have an affair.. that's the only way you'll ever get her attention". I quickly dismissed the thought. That was a terrible thing to think. After all, I am a moral guy. I am very religious, I am very strong in my faith, I have always srtived to be "just a great guy" that everyone talks about. "Good guys" don't have thoughts like that. And so I dismissed it.
But after all the sexual issues I was having with my wife, in all the lonliness I was feeling as I couldn't communicate about anything successfully, nor have any of my needs fulfilled, when someone came to me a few weeks later, an atractive woman, who actually wanted ME, who wanted to be touched by ME... I folded easily.
I didn't go through with a full affair. I never had sex with the woman, but I did way more than a married, religious guy should have done. I broke things off after one encounter and confessed to our clergy and to my wife. Im other words, I did just enough so that I would have a big enough bomb to drop to get my wife's attention, but no so big that it would permanantly ruin the marriage.
But the damage has been bad enough.. I ruined all my trust I had worked years to build. I can't go anywhere without checking in. I get home even 10 minutes late from work and I am busted. And every time I think I am finally making progress, I get pushed back down. The lesson this week: my honesty doesn't matter, I can be the world'd most honest guy and tell my wife everyhting, but if she doesn't BELIEVE that I am being honest... it's all worth nothing. Honesty is in the eyes of the beholder, not in what is really true.
Now, I didn't get kicked out of our bed. She still does talk to me in friendly terms (usually), but no longer having her trust me hurts. It hurts like crazy. Thinking back, I can't even believe I was capable to do what I did. It is soooo not like me. I feel so ashamed that I decided to drop the bomb that I did. I am incredibly mad at myself. But I just keep trying to move forward.
My actions now have had pros and cons. Cons are that I built a giant wall of distrust in my wife, who already had major trust issues with everyone else she has ever known. I through a huge wrench in oour marriage and I was almost kicked out of our church as this kind of behavior is TOTALLY against the rules.. But on the "pro" side.. My wife now actively works to help with housework (I used to do it all so she could relax), she cooks (again, I used to do it all) and she is working to be more involved with the family (she used to eat dinner in her room alone so she could watch tv while eating) now we actually have a family dinner at the table. The only thing she still refuses to work on is anything invloving sex or intimacy. That's been that way for years, though, not just since the incident.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that, from the way I see it, we have some similarities. We both may have gone into an affair type of relationship for similar reasons, and we have both felt some of the same kinds of aftermath. Yours has just been far more severe and much longer. I feel for ya. I think it is just terrible. So hang in there as you work to decide what is right for your future.
