Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

Holy cow, stop being so melodramatic!

And if I'm coming across as projecting anger about my own R then I will respectfully recuse myself from your thread as that is not helpful and counterproductive.

I do not feel like anyone is projecting anger at all. Except perhaps me about my own situation
Seriously, I am so happy to have input from people who seem to genuinely care about my circumstances. I appreciate every word from every one of you, even in the circumstances where we differ. If nothing else, when we differ, I know there's someone else in the world who thinks like my H. That can be comforting at times believe it or not, because sometimes he really does seem like a one-of-a-kind.

THis post sounds like you have a handle on things and are working with your C.

Wow, what'd I say to give you the impression I had a handle on things?! Thank you, I'm trying very hard. There are so many different paths one can take, so many different reactions one can have and when I think about all the options, I get so overwhelmed. It's too much. Sometimes I just make myself literally sick thinking about all this stuff. I'm not sure of anything I do, so to hear from someone that it seems like I have a handle on things is a big compliment.

when is the last time you and H went out as a couple, with mutual friends? Be cautious of you and him avoiding others because of shame, ego, pride. Get out there together. Have your friends over.

H and I don't have mutual friends, we never have really. I had friends in college and H never wanted to associate with their SOs. H is very judgmental of others and doesn't want or need friends in his life. He'll actually say that. He doesn't like to ask anyone for anything and he doesn't like to have others expecting anything from him.
In the past, if I maintained friendships, it always involved me going without him. That's not really feasible now because of the trust thing.
H and I don't really go out as a couple either. In the past, the drinking thing was a problem because I don't like to be with him when he's drinking and most people drink when they go out. And, because he was drinking so much, he always wanted to stay out later than I and would not consider my feelings when I wanted to leave. If we go anywhere together it is to a movie. And I don't really consider that quality couple time, but it's better than nothing.
For X-mas, H got us ballroom dancing lessons and we were going every Tues for a while. We quit going when we went into a 'bad cycle' and we haven't resumed.
H does not like to do anything without the kids. That was a big problem pre-A. I wanted to get a way, reconnect as a couple. H was adamant against it, telling me I was selfish for not being happy with the family time.

Also understand if kissing on the lips sends flashbacks of you with OM thru your H's mind, in whatever little fantasy he has conjured up

So, what's the solution? That's my problem. I can see his side, I can see my side. His side always takes precedence because I can't 'make' him do anything. And he surely doesn't do things because he know's I'd like him to. If anything, that makes him do the opposite.

Have you tried a direct approach. 'H I am working on repairing the damage caused by the A to our M. How long are you going to punish me, and both of us for it. Its been twwwoooo years now.'

Ask him. 'Do you want to hold on to the negative for the rest of our M?'

H doesn't answer these kinds of questions. In the past, if he's being a jerk, he'll say 'forever' or 'yep' and wave me away. If he's feeling like communicating a little, he'll say he's not punishing me. He'll shut out the word, argue with me that he's not punishing me, etc. It gets us nowhere. And to say "Ok, well I *feel* like you're punishing me", he'll return with "Well, I don't what to tell ya. I'm not. This is just how things are right now".
So, yes, I've tried.

I'm feeling frustrated can you tell? I am irritated and frustrated because of S5's bedtime last night. I'll get into it later, but I'm feeling helpless and hopeless.

When is the last time you apologized, were remorseful, or reassured him? Oh yeah, the other night, with stigs suggestion. Nice going with that by the way. Dont forget though.

Thanks. For the most part, over the last two years, I've been unable to do this. I have found that I'm basically not strong enough to give someone else what they need while they are kicking me at every opportunity. Life in our house has been absolutely miserable and I've had more thoughts of wishing he would die than I have of how sorry I am. I know that is strong. And I don't really want him to die. But there was a time when I did.

Boy Ill have to agree. If a man gets up after I have had sex, the feelings I am going to have afterwards, wont be worth it.

Oh, heck, give it a try and see

Heathers H has managed to convey something to her, that both you and I failed at conveying to our W's. <embarassment, chagrin, a couple self flaggelating whips. ok done>

I missed the inference here. What do you mean?

Heather your 180's are good.

What, specifically, are you referring to?

I would reassure him that what you did could have been soooo much worse;

You can see this because you have been to the worse place. H would derive no reassurance from a statement like this. It's like telling someone who lost their arm that at least they don't have cancer.
But from your position and what it sounds like you've been through, I can see why you think this would be helpful.

You've been doing an incredible job with your -perspective-putting-into over all of this. A less diligent person would let this build resentment in themselves and soon he/she would feel trapped, smothered, and caged in...buried under the thumb of control and suspicion.

Thanks Stigmata. This is only a recent development for me. I've spent a lot of time in the state of mind you refer to, believe me. And it was impossible to drag myself out of that state of mind until H started trying a little. Once he started putting forth some effort, it was easier to see someone that I wanted to try to understand.

So I can see how your As would sort of burst his protected bubble with that kind of history.

Ironically, it burst my bubble too. The innocence is gone and I hate that. I am very disappointed in myself for taking the route I did. Looking back, I think I was trying to invoke change. We were in a stalemate and I could not make H hear me no matter what I said or how I said it. Even D would have been change, at least he would finally have heard me. Unfortunately he only heard things that I wasn't really trying to say. The stuff I wanted him to hear got lost in the commotion. Stupid, stupid.

I'm all for baby steps and emotional coddling to a point but an R is a 50-50 deal. And that means we have to stand up for ourselves from time to time to reset an egregious imbalance in the balance of power.

I agree. That's why it was so impossible for me to be remorseful and sorry and understanding and giving and loving and patient and whatever else while he was....I'm not even going there.

Clicking over to Yahoo Travel now for long overdue flights to Jamaica.

Sigh.

Still not helpful to plow ahead with an indulgence if it really really is bothering your SO IMO.


Well, that seems common sensical now doesn't it? But from H's perspective, what I have done is soooo much worse, who the hell am I to ask anything of him? Pre-A, who knows why he wouldn't hear me, respect me. I'm sure he had his BS reasons.

Dittos on the C sympatico, heather. Good luck Wendesday

Thanks, I was thinking it was today, but the appt is actually next Wed.

I'll post more later. I have to consider my readers with these long posts!!