I’ve not kept up with your situation, so I thought I’d catch up and post a few impressions. Earlier on this thread, you replied to GEL:
I've gathered from the things H has said that there has to be 'consequences' for my actions. I can't just cheat on him and then resume life as normal. I think these 'things' have been the only way he's been able to exert a little bit of control in a situation he had absolutely no control over.
I see a lot of advice from others that while you need to address some things within yourself, your husband has his own issues that he needs to work on and you must leave him to handle that on his own. Generally I agree that this is good advice, especially for those couples that come to understand these matters, and take responsibility for themselves. But I doubt your husband is fully in that camp right now. You are trying to be, but I suspect the both of you were so enmeshed before the affair, that trying to suddenly shift to a healthier model and just work on you own stuff will trigger all sorts of abandonment feelings in him. My advice is to not do this all at once.
Both of you are on the edge right now. Before any progress can be made, I believe you both need to lower the emotional levels, get a feeling of security, find a little comfort so you have something to hang on to and move forward. If you two were enmeshed before, then I say go back to being enmeshed again, though only on a temporary basis.
Tell him WHATEVER he needs to hear to settle his anger with you. Have you read over my thread on Femininity and Dr. Schlessinger? There is a lot of talk on the male point of view and what men need from women. It is all to help cover their insecurities, which may be dysfunctional, but meting their needs can be the sedative they need to clear their emotions. So I say give him all the support you can. What has he said that he wants from you in order for him to feel better? Have you done this?
I don’t think he is going to counseling with the intention of learning how he contributed to your affair. He wants you to fully understand how you hurt and betrayed him. In short, I think he still needs validation of his pain and still feels some need for revenge. I do not know his past, but it is difficult for a man to confront his own issues, those that cause considerable pain by themselves, but even more difficult to do so at a time when he is already in pain. It may be more emotional overload than he can handle.
Also, he is keeping score in his head. He may well know what he did wrong before the affair, but he knows what you did wrong then too. On that score I would guess he counts you two even. Add to that the big negative points of the affair, and he sees that you have sooooo much to make up for. I’m not saying this is right or wrong, just how he may be seeing things.
When you disclose to him everything you did, “how many times a kiss was exchanged,” you probably aren’t helping the situation any. He is visualizing the affair and such detail just helps his visualization. If that somehow helped him work through his anger, then fine. But it doesn’t seem to be doing that. Tell him you’ve disclosed everything already and do not want to relive it. Tell him to do the same.
Heather, have you bared your soul to him about how hurt you are, about how bad you feel, how much you want him back, and have you challenged him to do he same? You talk about his anger, but you also mention yours. Are you apologies coming across to him as true remorse, load with compassion for him and what he has had to endure, or do they come across as justification for why you had the affair? A conditional apology is not an apology.
Have you tried to push the matter of intimacy some, gently “forcing” yourself on him to have sex? Remember how women will sometimes push away their husbands who are trying to make up with them. If the husband leaves as asked, the wife gets mad. What she really wants is for the husband to try harder, endure a certain amount of rebuke to satisfy her anger, but stay with her to show her how much he cares. Why wouldn’t this same principal apply to you and your H?
You mention to Chromo that you didn’t want to be too aggressive with getting back into bed. You wanted him to take the initiative. So you hold out, then complain about the relationship being stuck. Your ego is getting in the way. Sure you have needs that he did not address before the affair, but for right now, you need to get this thing moving. Building up resentment over a sense of entitlement will not help. He will not leave the marriage, or he would have already. There is a little bit of sadism playing in here. He wants to see you in pain, for what you did to him. He cannot do this if he leaves the marriage. But you won’t really give him the satisfaction of letting him truly see how hurt you are, how vulnerable you are. Your fear of a simple little thing like being rejected for a kiss tells me that. So both of you are stuck.
The goods news, if you read Schnarch, is that you are both enduring this pain because each of you mean so much to each other. If you did not, both of you would have left. You really need to understand this point and get it across to him. Both of you need to recognize the extent of the defenses you have built and both of you need to bring those down. You can take the lead. You can stop pressing him for validation right now.
I notice that your comments made in counseling are very guarded and noncommittal. What kind of comfort and commitment do you think he can get out of that? Why don’t you just come out and say what you truly want – to have a happy, loving marriage with your H and to spend the rest of your life with him and no one else, that you are committed to seeing this through and making it work. Now, how do you think that would sound to him, as opposed to saying “My strategy is now to just wait. Make good times. I've made an agreement in C to not talk about leaving anymore for a while.” Heather, you are getting back what you are putting out. This man needs reassurance!
In summary, I think you should: • Be direct with him on how much you have endured over the past two years • Tell him how much pain you have suffered and how committed you are to the marriage • Let him know that before the affair you were in denial about your actions and lack of validation for him • Push out of your comfort zone to show him how attractive he is to you. Make him feel What you are doing is way more than you may ever have given to the other man (he is making mental comparisons on your response to him vs OM) • Emphasize the logic of Schnarch’s theory • Set a boundary for his accountability in the current situation. Let him know that in spite of your commitment to him, you have your limits on what you can endure, and the time is now for him to get off his pity pot!
