Am I Creating a SSM?

[Stigmata]

Heather.

From BF:

You did have an A and It has added a ton of issues to an already strained M. You have to fix what you did with the A before you can get to the stuff that lead up to the A.
Thats how it works. I dont make the rules.

- Answers your questions about bringing it up or just facing the future during your MC Wednesday. Remember, there's chronological real time and A time. A time is on a totally different and slower measurement. 2 years after an A might as well be equivalent to, say, 2 months of real time, kwim?

Have to get all the unpleasantness out but, as you said, with reasons and frames of mind involved and what you both need to do at present and future to never cause these feelings/behaviors again.

As blackfoot said, thems the rules.
And, yes, sneak in a peck here and there. What that will do. He will tolerate it at first. Then get used to it. Then cease before it becomes too regular/patterned. He will then miss them but not realize it. At which point you resume them at opportune moments, even trying to sneak in a nice full one from time to time.

And keep touching him, as blackfoot stated, occasionally brushing his cheek with your hand, and/or running your index finger over his lips for a few seconds.

And if you're lucky, you can once in a while tease it into his mouth to his lower teeth-line before quickly withdrawing. If you catch him and the right time and place, he might even playfully suck on it briefly. Always nice and very intimate IMO. It's a very subtle compact simulation of IC kwis? It takes care of the ML and kissing EC all at once in a different pseudo form.

At least I always like that. Sigh.

Finally, I definitely agree this is going to take baby steps. Just remember. H is going to try to bait you from time to time. Meaning when he is being unusually pi$$y to you he is trying to push your buttons, judging from your posted interactions.

It seems when that happens, you get annoyed and you both feed off each other’s silent negativity. This is one of the hardest things to do—to counter his attitude with positive reframing. Don’t take the bait. Say something nice about work or the news or something else positive to offset the atmosphere and starve his negativity. Maybe think in your mind, “It’s not me. It’s not him. He’s just struggling to process his angry/hurt feelings. Just have to ride out the storm for now.”

Agree with BF’s take on the bed thing. It has to stop at some point. It cannot continue. My suggestion would be maybe to tell him that you find you have not been sleeping well at all alone. You like having him beside you. It makes you sleep much better/deeper just knowing he’s there and you feel protected.

I think any man’s ego and need to be the protector couldn’t resist that IMO.

I am, however, worried about this continued standoff. Sex with no kissing from him. No sex without kissing from you. Not healthy and a real roadblock.

I see this as a very precarious tightrope walk. Sex without the EC/kissing will work to some degree short term but if allowed to continue I shudder to think of the consequences.

IMO having sex with him now without kissing will keep an important connection between you both. But it’s a very small Band Aid. Why? Hm.

Well, I can tell you. If I punished x this way—knowing full well she wanted me to kiss her during the act—I would view myself as not only punishing her but disrespecting and degrading her if I continued doing so. I know how important it is to her but, tough, I’m not giving it to her. Too bad. Suffer. Just lay there and take what I'm giving to you.

I’m just worried the longer this would continue the more and more H would start to detach and separate the connection between shallow rocks off sex and true marital intimacy. Kinda how MB and porn starts to dull the mental intensity over time unless the anty is upped with more and more tittilation.

Over a long period of time I think the embedded pattern of no-kissing EC-less “wham-bam” let’s get up and get dressed now/roll over and sleep sex will make it almost impossible to ever get back that deep EC/kissing intimacy sex.

Like smoking. Bad habit. You know it’s bad for you but you can’t stop the reinforced habit. I’d hate for you both to eventually emotionally detach completely. That’s doomsday scenario territory.

-Stigmata-