Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

I think there are stronger ways to 'tell' your H that you are being Loyal, and reassure him, then with words. When people say to me, "Trust me" I immediately do NOT trust them. at all.

I see your point. I didn't exactly say 'trust me', but I did say that I understood his worries and that nothing is going on. Unless I'm missing something, my actions should be telling H that I am loyal. Maybe they are, but when I'm late, he gets uneasy. I mean, I don't go anywhere outside of work and karate. I haven't been out with friends in a very, very long time. I don't know what more I can do aside from quit karate, which H would like very much. I won't do it though because it's my outlet, I love going.

I think you are very adept at, and used to, getting what you want-- in most cases.

Who me?! Really though, after such a short time on my thread, what makes you think that?
I guess I've always believed that a person can accomplish whatever they set out to do. My siblings are the same way. Perhaps it is naive, but if it is, please don't burst my bubble. I work hard and I believe that hard work pays off.

Try to get some touching in. something, even if its innocuous......Try sitting next to him on the couch and resting your head on his shoulder. Think of ways to increase your contact time and make touching playful, yet full of meaning.

When H and I aren't speaking, we aren't doing much touching either, but when we're getting along well, we're pretty affectionate. I didn't mean to give the impression that we are acting like cold fish even when things are going well. We hold hands sometimes, rest our heads on each other, he opens the car door for me, we wait on each other for small things, we watch movies on the couch together. There is quite a bit of affection.

Your non decisiveness is in contradiction to your previous comment about your H 'pushing your boundaries when it comes to sex.
tsk tsk.

I haven't really expressed my indecisiveness to H, it's only an internal dialogue and something I've expressed here. I admit that I don't know if sex will help things along or if it will strain things more. That's why I came to this forum, to get some other people's viewpoints.

The reason I brought up MB, and porn before, was
A) to poke your buttons and see what I was dealing with.


Discover anything interesting?

You have a right to your 'no sex/ without kissing' boundary. (I say its fake.)

Fake. I don't agree that it's fake, although I will admit I'd rather be having sex. It just seems that unless H can understand how it feels to want something that is out of his reach because of a wall that's been built, he isn't going to 'get it'. As time went on, it really did start to suck that we would have sex and not only was I not allowed to kiss him, making me feel slightly used, but then after he would get up and go sleep somewhere else. That caused feelings that are definitely not fake. IMO, there is no need for any of this. But if this is the way it's going to be, then...I'd prefer not to have those feelings nagging at me. Feelings of being used are not really conducive to fixing a R, kwim?

He also has a right to take care of his needs however he sees fit, just as you did when having your multiple EA's.

Sorry, but I disagree. My EA's were wrong, I didn't have any 'rights' and I sure as hell don't have many of those now either. Consequences. And there are consequences to H's poor decisions too.

The sex is gonna suck. I understand your annoyance at the mechanical aspect of it. That will continue untill it is more frequent. His apparent, emotional indifference to it will continue untill it is bi or tri weekly.

Again, I didn't mean to convey that sex was mechanical for us. It wasn't.....it didn't feel like 'just sex'. Until afterward when the doubts would creep in. Women sometimes complain that their men immediately roll over and go to sleep after sex. Try having your man immediately get up and go sleep somewhere else after sex. Those feelings weren't worth the sex.


IMO, I think you should sleep in your M bed. ML then roll over and go to sleep. IF he says anything, make some remark about your being HIS wife, and if he wants to continue to punish both of you for something you are actively trying to fix, he can go in the spare bedroom. You want to be married though. In all senses of the word.


That's a very interesting idea. We were ML in my bed b/c if it was degrading to have H leave my bed, it was even more degrading to feel like I had to leave. But what if when I choose to ML again, I make sure it happens in 'our' room and then I just stay in the bed...hmm. That would probably not be very ackward at all. The next night might be more ackward though. I guess I just start sleeping in there as though it's no big deal, without ever addressing it in words?
If H did say something about it, to tell him if he had a problem with it he could sleep in the gues room would *not* go over well at all. Trust me, there would be a power struggle faster than you could blink.

I was thinking of maybe addressing this in our next MC session (Wednesday). GEL brought up a good point when she said if H said he didn't feel it was that big of a deal anymore, then why is it continuing? I was thinking I could ask him that very same question in MC.