Maybe tonight I can just tell him that I sense he's feeling anxious and that I just want to reassure him that I am being loyal.
I think there are stronger ways to 'tell' your H that you are being Loyal, and reassure him, then with words. When people say to me, "Trust me" I immediately do NOT trust them. at all.
Why do they have to use those words? What are they hiding behind the verbal facade?
Whaddya think? I think you are very adept at, and used to, getting what you want-- in most cases.
I know. Thats not what you were asking.
That's one of his main complaints against me, that I think I can do whatever I want with no consequences
seems men have code too. Makes perfect sense too me. Stigmata touched on it but I think it goes deeper and further back into your M then just the A.
Ill say this one last time. I see your H's issues too from your descriptions. Your here and he is not. I believe he will change in reaction to your changes to make your R better.
You were gone for a weekend? longer? Try to get some touching in. something, even if its innocuous.
My actions are the problem, not his thoughts.
I see the sarcasm, buy You only have control over your actions. You did have an A and It has added a ton of issues to an already strained M. You have to fix what you did with the A before you can get to the stuff that lead up to the A. Thats how it works. I dont make the rules.
Ironically, before the A if I asked him if he had any issues with me he would always say no Yeah, not very truthful of him, but he was giving what he wanted. Acceptance.
I'm thinking maybe I can sneak in little kisses now and then as a hello/goodbye gesture and at least get him accustomed to having our faces be that close together
Try sitting next to him on the couch and resting your head on his shoulder. Think of ways to increase your contact time and make touching playful, yet full of meaning.
I still haven't really come to any decision on the sex issue either. BF, I'm curious about your perspective on this. You say that the kissing will come. Do you think that establishing an intimate connection would help, hinder or be independent of the kissing thing?
Your non decisiveness is in contradiction to your previous comment about your H 'pushing your boundaries when it comes to sex. tsk tsk. So a spade is a spade and you are doing a 'tit for tat'.
I think the sex sucks right now between you,, because H will not allow himself any emotional 'entanglement'. At least he thinks he is preventing it. Being intimate is going to create a connection though.
The reason I brought up MB, and porn before, was A) to poke your buttons and see what I was dealing with. (yes I know, not very nice. youll get over it. I could tell you were aware of that though. <chuckle>) B) to see how you felt about it, and get some more info.
So. about his MB, and porn. currently, Its not helpful to your R, and neither is your insecurity about it.
Reality. You cannot tell him what to do regarding his 'needs', or punish him for taking care of them, unless and untill you are willing to meet them completely.
You have a right to your 'no sex/ without kissing' boundary. (I say its fake.) He has a right to his 'no kissing' boundary. (I say its fake also, but needs caution.) He also has a right to take care of his needs however he sees fit, just as you did when having your multiple EA's.
not very productive though.
None of these rights is going to bring you R closer.
The sex is gonna suck. I understand your annoyance at the mechanical aspect of it. That will continue untill it is more frequent. His apparent, emotional indifference to it will continue untill it is bi or tri weekly.
IMO, I think you should sleep in your M bed. ML then roll over and go to sleep. IF he says anything, make some remark about your being HIS wife, and if he wants to continue to punish both of you for something you are actively trying to fix, he can go in the spare bedroom. You want to be married though. In all senses of the word.
Down the road, say something about it wouldnt kill him to kiss his wife once in a while, unless of course he wants the M to fail. then drop it.
Next time you make dinner, ask him if it was good. When he says yeah, point at your cheek and say 'how about a kiss for the cook? '
