Am I Creating a SSM?

[Stigmata]

Heather.

This was me after the A. Serious head fcuk. I was totally blindsided so...everything after my mind was blown was called into suspicion. Unaccounted for time, places...hmmmm....accessing "potential rendezvous times/locations in memory banks.

That's one of his main complaints against me, that I think I can do whatever I want with no consequences.

- Resentment leaking out over the A. Period. Passive-aggressive comment here. "How dare you have an A behind my back and think you can get away with it."

It is coloring any behavior you may have one might consider to be "selfish." As are the epitome of selfishness.

Then yesterday and still today H has been stand-offish because I was 20 mins late from work yesterday and didn't call. I said that I didn't think 20 mins was that late but that I was sorry for not calling since I could tell it bothered him. Later I asked if he was upset because I didn't call and he said "No, I'm fine". I could tell he wasn't fine and I don't understand why he insists on playing games. I hate that. The only thing he said about it was when I walked in the door "Geez, you could have called". So it seems that has set us back a little. Talk about walking on eggshells. I'm trying to be understanding though because right before I told him about the A, I was coming home late from work. Not because I was with OM but because I just didn't want to go home. I'd just drive around. Then today he called twice and I was in a meeting, so I didn't know it until I got out.

- Yep. All of this. Big red flags he is packing away resentment. It is building. He is nowhere near over the A. He does not trust you and if the 2 of you don't confront it, the paranoia will reach unbearable levels.

I feel like he's feeling anxious right now and I should probably reassure him. Maybe tonight I can just tell him that I sense he's feeling anxious and that I just want to reassure him that I am being loyal. Whaddya think?"

- Your senses are spot on, Heather. I am going to offer an composite suggestion that is meant to hit multiple birds with one stone. And I'll explain the rationale afterwards.

You need to do this and say something like this IMO. First, sit him down so he is below you. The couch, edge of the bed whatever. Lean down, grab his face with both hands:

"You are the man of my dreams. I may have stupidly forgotten that once 2 years ago but I will never ever forget that again and risk losing you. Do you understand?"

Then relax your tone and seriousness. Softer gentle voice.

"So drop the paranoia, ya big jerk. "There is absolutely nothing for you to worry about. I'm all yours baby and I love you."

Then (while still holding his face and still smiling) plant a big kiss on his lips and don't let him pull away.

I highly doubt he will pull away after this IMO. Then let his face go and give him a little space.

What you are doing on multiple levels. You are showing you are serious and bringing up the A. Rush of bad feelings. But you are being very earnest/sincere.

Next, you are using humor to offset the discomfort ("ya big jerk") and teasing him for being so paranoid. He lets down his defenses/pain thoughts over A and feels a little sheepish over his paranoia.

Finally, with his shields down and still feeling a little foolish over his paranoia you smash through his huge "punishment wall" of witholding his kisses from you. You're not asking him if it's okay to kiss him (stop that btw).

You are taking what you deserve. He has no right to keep punishing you.

You are plowing and kissing him whether he agrees to it or not. A way of showing "Get over it already. Knock this sht off and kiss me like your wife."

As I said before, he needs a lot of reassurances. I think an act like this will change his mood to the relief/positive and carry him through to a nice home atmosphere for a decent length of time. Hopefully...

-Stigmata-