Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

What does "go bad" mean? Does he fear another A on your part? Or does he fear an irrational response (like that lights on/head kicking event) on his part? I guess I don't understand that perspective.

I think he means that our R will take a turn right into a 'bad cycle'. It's like he doesn't want to put himself in a position where he will welcome me back into our room and then have me make him feel unwelcome if we are not getting along. I've never told him he could not sleep in our bed, but apparently I haven't always made him *feel* welcome.
I highly doubt that H feels that the incident that took place when I tried to sleep in our bed was 'irrational'. I think he feels pretty justified in all the things he's done.

Which is a perfectly good reason to separate, assuming that the disagreement is a valid one. I think refusing to sleep in the same bed, withholding affection that you need, and having an EC-less sexual experience are valid. NOTE: I am not saying you should separate, just that if you decide to, you have good reasons.

Hopefully it won't ever have to come down to that. H was always really good at reminding me what leaving would do to our kids. He would always say things like 'You don't have any idea the damage you're going to do. You're going to rip their hearts out.'
Deep down, I know that it isn't just me....I didn't make our R fail single handedly. However, I do have the power to keep their little worlds together if I stay and H knows just when to play the 'selfish card', telling me how selfish I am and how I never think of anyone but myself.
So, the reasons may be good, but the guilt is quite frankly, too overwhelming. If staying is hard work, I'm here to tell you that with a partner like my H, leaving would be harder.

"a really miserable environment where I would fantasize about leaving pretty much every day."

Does he know that? If so does it affect him? If he is indifferent to you leaving, that says a lot.

H would never give me the satisfaction of saying 'I don't want you to go'. Pre-A, he would just say fine, go. There's the door. After the A, he would tell me how much it would hurt the kids, but he always said he didn't care. He said that he was willing to cohabitate in the house for the sake of the kids and that he was willing to forego his future with a mate.

It is up to you to set an appropriate boundary and put some teeth in it. "Honey, I love you and I know that I am partially responsible for the strained relationship that we currently have. But I want to make it better. I cannot continue in the relationship as it currently stands." Sound about right?

I think I've done that. At the C session I think I was pretty blunt. My strategy is now to just wait. Make good times. I've made an agreement in C to not talk about leaving anymore for a while (H brought it up as something that bothers him~I think he wants to feel secure that we have a future together). So, I really want to leave the negative statements out of our R for a while and just concentrate on the good and show him what our M could be like. If we come into a 'bad cycle' again, I want him to miss it. I want him to feel it. When everything is miserable, it's easier for him to say 'Fine, go.' But when things turn miserable after being so good, the disappointment is definitely there and hence so is the motivation to either fix things or not let them get bad again.