I said: The book I referenced above is really going to help me validate and acknowledge H's feelings even if I don't agree with them. In turn, hopefully he will do the same.
BF said: In the end it doesnt really matter if he does or not, does it? because you are taking control of your emotions and you are doing what is 'right' and so can feel better, even good about yourself, regardless of his reactions.
Well, I agree and disagree. I think that validation is very, very important to my R with H and that includes validation of what has gone on in our past. He doesn't need to agree with my perspective or remember things quite the way I do, but he does need to learn how to really hear me. All of my R with H, I haven't felt really heard and it had a definite contribution to the downfall of our M. On the other hand, you're right, I can feel better about myself regardless of H's reactions. But to feel better about the R, validation and listening are going to be big.
When running a marathon, (which is another brutal contest of opposing internal wills) its much easier on yourself, vital even, if you chant, 'I can do it, I can do it' (affirming, encouraging, upbuilding to self)then it is to say, 'How much further, how much further. (doubt, uncertainty, irrelevant self sabotage)
Never thought about it like that. Good point.
Im glad you realize that you both acted in ways that were 'not you', unacceptable even. That you were in fact being driven, despite your sometimes awareness, sometimes not, to doing things, that you (both) shouldnt have.
By recognizing this, it has helped me to view the past two years as 'reactions' rather than as true attributes of my H's character. In which case I probably wouldn't want to stay! So yeah, I agree that this is a crucial step in preparing myself to move forward...not with a monster but with someone who just reacted poorly to a really difficult situation. Same for me when I think about forgiving myself for what I did to my family and my M. I'm really pretty hard on myself, but if I think more in terms that I reacted poorly to a situation in which I felt neglected and really lonely, forgiveness seems more within reach.
Nice going heather.
Thanks!
rahrahfoot.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
So yeah, I agree that this is a crucial step in preparing myself to move forward...not with a monster but with someone who just reacted poorly to a really difficult situation. Same for me when I think about forgiving myself for what I did to my family and my M. I'm really pretty hard on myself, but if I think more in terms that I reacted poorly to a situation in which I felt neglected and really lonely, forgiveness seems more within reach. 
