Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

Nothing has changed in your R.... challenging someone is not necessarily a struggle for power... and rather than say 'challenge him' I suppose the best way to put it is "defend YOU." Defend your boundaries. And if he gets pissy with you, that is HIS problem.

Right. My problem in the past is that I always get pissy back. I play the game every time, just like a trained dog. I know I'm doing it, but I still continue on. It's definitely insanity.....you know, doing the same thing every time but hoping for a different result.

I really feel like things are coming together for me though, all the things I've been learning. All the pieces are starting to fit into the puzzle. The book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" is a GREAT book and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. It's really helped pull together many different concepts.

Corri, thank you for all your words. You speak wisely, like someone who has already been where I am. I appreciate your thoughts.

I do wonder if it is possible to brush aside the negative aspects of your life and all the emotional baggage it has created and just concentrate on the good. Or if you have to deal with the negative aspects to allow the relationship to become good.

I think I'm ready to focus on the good. We've spent an awful lot of time (H and I) stuck in the negativity cycle. The book I referenced above is really going to help me validate and acknowledge H's feelings even if I don't agree with them. In turn, hopefully he will do the same. With a little validation on both our parts, I truly believe we can leave the past where it belongs.

And regaurdless of what you have done in the past Heather I do not believe that you deserve to be treated as you have been.

Thanks Chrissy. I don't think I deserved it either. And I don't think H deserved what he got from me either. It's really a tragedy when two people do these things to one another. It has really helped to be able to tell my story and have people stand with me and reassure me during this miserable time in my life. Thank you!

Your H does not trust you. He is stuffing and eventually his jealousy will get the better of him if he cannot let go of the past.

I agree wholeheartedly. H has always hand tendencies toward jealousy anyway, so the A has magnified that and given his jealousy justification. I hope he will be able to let go of the past, I really do.

He doesn't think he knows everything despite you assuring him otherwise.

This is probably true. I have told him every detail, how many times I saw OM, how many times a kiss was exchanged, who initiated the kiss, etc. He knows all the details and I never balked at disclosing them. He asked everything he wanted to know at the time the A was revealed and I was open and honest. Aside from this incredible breach of trust, I am a very honest and trustworthy person. I know those don't sound like traits of someone who is capable of what I did. Nevertheless, I have not had other instances of such behavior. Ever. But despite that, H has said over and over that it wouldn't surprise him one bit if I was seeing someone again. Now. I think he knows deep down that I'm not (as full of anger and resentment as he is, there is no way he could carry on any kind of R with me if he didn't have some level of confidence in my words), but he doesn't ever want to be taken off guard again like he was before. H and I had a great deal of trust in one another.....cheating is something we both thought we were immune from. The shock of it all has really affected him and he is still waiting for that other shoe to drop.

One question. Not familiar with sitch. Did he leave after discovery or vice versa? Or was it kind of a lot of initial emotion then quick mutual wishing to get past it and on to applying "fixing/solutions" ASAP while still living together?

H threw me out of the house. I stayed with my brother for a few days, I wasn't really even allowed to see my kids. In retrospect, I know that would have changed in time, he would not have kept them from me forever. But the initial shock of it all....well, I would say I probably truly went through something that could be labeled post traumatic shock syndrome. I had to rock back and forth through my days just to keep myself somewhat centered. I stayed with my brother for a few days until I could see a lawyer. The lawyer of course instructed me to GO HOME. Everyone I talked to said GO HOME. So I did. H would not leave the home and with the lawyer instructing me not to leave either....well, it seemed there was no way out. Neither of us wanted to do anything that would jeopardize our position in court to be able to get custody of our kids. It was miserable. To separate would truly have been in the best interest of the M. I will never, ever forget those early weeks and the damage that was done to our R will truly be there forever. But the lawyers were telling both of us that leaving the home was not recommended. So, in the house we stayed.

I had wished I had left after discovery. Left proximity with her. No contact. Followed by a coming together to hash it out after some time alone/apart to reflect/cool off. Moving too quickly did not allow me to process all of my questions etc. and the resentment waves creeped back in.

I totally agree that this would be ideal. It wasn't really possible in my situation as neither of us trusted the other to not try to take the kids away. It was a horrible time, driven entirely be fear. Even back then though, I was able to distinguish what would be better for my M vs what was better for me and my kids. I had to pick the latter.

They both seem to be control freaks and both are holding onto resentment big-time. I do not like the way your H is behaving. This punishing behaviour cannot go on and on, there has to be some sort of limit. I think you need to ask, whether at C session, or just on your own exactly what he is looking for from you before he will be able to start kissing you, letting you back in the bed etc. I know you feel guilty for what you did but you are accepting way to much punishing behaviour from him.


Yes, there was too much punishing behavior without a doubt. And maybe there even still is. But it's so much better than it was, at least it *seems* good, even if it's not, if that makes sense. Good is relative I guess, and compared to where we've been, things are very good right now!
I have found that there is much truth to the idea that this all takes time and patience.....it really does. I feel like we are finally turning a corner and if you hang in there long enough, you will probably turn the corner too. I think too many give up too soon....right before the last lap maybe.

Have you checked out anything about borderline personality disorder? Might be worth a look.


Actually, I have. Nothing really fit with all the characteristics or even most. I think, simply, my H just has a unique way of viewing the world. He has ever since I met him. He is judgmental, opinionated and extreme. I have always known that about him, but I was never on the receiving end of his judgment, at least not to this extreme.

Well, make sure he knows you appreciate it. Go for the tunnel with the cheese!

Thanks for the reminder to let H know that I appreciate how well things have been going. I need those reminders because I tend to focus on the bad when things are bad and then accept the good as 'normal' when things are good, not showing appreciation.

I just got back from Orlando tonight and I'm exhausted. I'll post more later.

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. It is so nice to meet so many new and knowledgeable people.