It is pretty scary how similar our situations are. Early 30s, young kids, an A in the background, good/bad cycles. There are some differences, the W and I haven't gotten back into sex yet, but she is nowhere near as fixated on the A as your H is.
"Because of my A, I am still not allowed back in my own bed. Because of my A, H still refuses to kiss me (kissing was the only physical interaction between OM and myself)."
I can understand academically why your H is having these hang-ups, but at some point in an R you either have to let go of past hurts or terminate the R. And not letting someone sleep in the marriage bed is IMHO rather ridiculous. I don't see anyway for the two of you to reconnect in a meaningful way until someone takes down that sword.
As Harley talks about, sex without affection and intimacy is hollow and actually damaging to an R, especially for the woman in most cases. I personally cannot imagine having sex with someone that I could not sleep with or kiss. Then again, I tend to fall on the ML side of sex rather than the "get my rocks off" side. Not saying that is what your H is doing necessarily, but it wouldn't be unheard of.
Your H is right to be upset by your A and what you did. And if he can't get over being upset (which is also certainly his right), then he should do the right thing and separate, especially since it is obvious that you do not want to live in an EC-less M. I'm not saying you should go find a lawyer tomorrow. But he should either commit to at least trying to resolve the issue.
You should not feel bad at all tying sex to everything else, that is the way it should be. For many of us here, it is the opposite. Our SOs think that they can have everything else BUT sex while yours thinks he can have sex with nothing else (or at least without some other key ingredients). A healthy M is one in which all the key elements are present and mix together. Sex is not the icing on the cake. Trying to separate out sex from the other parts of a healthy M is like trying to bake a cake with no sugar.
Chromo-cuda
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
