Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

but the kind of hurt he's going through does make it difficult to not be resentful of you....Resentment is a hard thing to work through, so do try to be patient with him. The pain from an affair goes very deep Heather.

I know. I don't know how I would react if the shoe were on the other foot. I had no right to do what I did, he never did anything to deserve such treatment from me.

I resented his drinking sooooo much, I couldn't look at him without glaring. Did I do that intentionally no, but I did it nonetheless.....one day when I turned and looked at him he took 3 steps back and I was completely unaware of what I was doing.

Wow, does that sound familiar. I glared and I did now what I was doing. I made no efforts to conceal my disdain for him. You're right, the resentment is hard, danm hard, to get past, so I do have a tast for what H is experiencing. The A compounded everything and made everything 20X more complex. After it was revealed, I no longer had rights to feel the way I felt because I needed to instantly start showing remorse. It's been the hardest few years of my life for sure and there is much that is unresolved between us. Most of it, I don't really feel much of a need to resolve anymore. It's old, I just want to look forward to happier tomorrows. I'll go through it if he needs to, but for my own healing, I don't think I need to. I think you're right, it seems entirely reasonable in most cases that it would be easier for the cheater to move forward than the person cheated on. In our R, so much transpired before the cheating, it seems to have resulted in a situation where I've actually been the one entertaining thoughts of leaving for the most part.

I would definitely broach his punishing behavior in your counseling sessions though, your C will be able to help him try to get past that resentment, to let it go and see what he's doing is just as destructive to your R.

It's definitely coming out. I think the C sees things pretty clearly and I've been happy with the way she directs the sessions. H seems to like her well enough too, which is like, nothing short of a miracle that we would agree on something so important.

It's my suspicion that he's simply not letting that resentment go....especially since he's fixating on "things". Not letting you sleep in your own bed after 2-years, refusing to ride in your car.

I've gathered from the things H has said that there has to be 'consequences' for my actions. I can't just cheat on him and then resume life as normal. I think these 'things' have been the only way he's been able to exert a little bit of control in a situation he had absolutely no control over.

Heather...just posing a question here, but why don't you just go into your own room and sleep in your own bed? What would happen if you refused to leave it? I notice he's had some abusive behavior in the past, would he forcibly remove you? Or would it be possible for you to say something like....this is my bed too and I'm not going anywhere?

Yeah, I have tried this. My feelings on the bed issue are that it's a control thing. Otherwise, it wouldn't really matter who slept where. I could understand his need to sleep apart from me, but I could never understand his refusal to allow me in my bed. So, I gave it a try. It was probably way too soon to try, it was probably a year or more ago, so the A had just been revealed 6-7 months prior to my attempt. It turned abusive, I still can't really thing about it without crying. He turned on all the lights, ripped the pillow out from under my head, turned on the tv really loud, pulled off the blankets, jumped on the bed, stared at me, put his foot under my head, bouncing my head on his foot. He tried to carry me out. I was crying and just left the room.

You may have to stand up for yourself a bit. I know you were the one to step out, but it's been 2-years....I'm assuming your behavior has been consistently trustworthy ever since. Maybe it's time for you to start standing up for your rights in the R too.

To challenge H is to lose. Seriously. I have tried to stand up for myself and all that happens are power struggles and fights, disrespect and an absolutely unbearable atmosphere to live in.

I don't mean to paint such a negative picture. I want to try to leave the bad stuff in the past as much as possible, although it does still instill fear in me to broach certain subjects or say or do certain things. In this case, since I want to make things work, it's probably better just to let some of these sleeping dogs lie.