Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

GEL:
Yes, H is still struggling with the pain I'm sure. It was a horrible, horrible breach of trust.
I've heard that certain things are considered more intimate than others for some people.
I agree with your two angles on the possibilities for why he is witholding. The idea that it is unresolved anger is what I meant when I said I doubt his motives. He says he is not 'punishing' me, but he has said that all along about many things when clearly his intention was to punish me.
The issue has not come up in MC yet because we've only had a few sessions and those sessions were during a time when H was not speaking to me much less wanting sex. And that was only just a few weeks ago. I know it seems weird to go from not speaking to discussing sex in such a short time span...our R is very volatile right now, taking wide swings from one extreme to another.

LFL:
Am I using sex to try to regain an EC with H....I don't know, I suppose I am to a certain extent. Actually, I would say that was more true before when we *were* having sex. I was hoping that over time, the kissing, etc would come. I was trying to be patient while still nurturing our sexual needs, hoping that sex would at least maintain some sort of connection. But that wasn't working so well for me. H is the one who wanted to take things slowly. Whenever I ask about goals for the R, etc, he says "Let's just start out being nice to each other". While I don't see why this has to be mutually exclusive of other things, I have agreed (in my own mind) to put my needs on hold and just practice treating him like I want to be treated, etc. We really do leave a lot to be desired when it comes to treating one another like friends, so I have actually come to agree with H, that the snail's pace is best for now.
I am teetering on the edge of D, moreso than H. If he told me matter of factly that he was just fu@king me, that would pretty much be it for me (it is probably more damaging to say that to a woman than vice versa). I am trying to be patient and am willing to go slow. But you're right, ultimately I do want to feel love for H again and likewise. I do understand the difference between feeling love and that 'in love' feeling. The 'in love' feeling is not what I'm looking for. I know....it is hard to regain. For both partners. But I want my M to work and I want it to be different and better than ever. I do think that some things are being resolved within H. I think he is healing some, there have been indications.

Chrissy:
There actually have been some positives lately (baby steps)and things do seem to be getting some better.
H still won't ride in my vehicle, I don't expect that will ever change and I have entirely submitted in this. I will get a new vehicle as soon as my lease is over. Still have 36 more months.
H has been MUCH better with S5. This started improving a few months back. We still have disagreements about S5's bedtime, etc. but the powerplays, disrespect and exclusion of Mommy have mostly stopped. Perhaps because we are getting along so much better, perhaps because I have just given up on certain things, perhaps because H realized what he was doing. I don't know. It's one of those things we can't discuss because he never acknowledged that it was happening in the first place.
No more abusive instances. Still some control issues. We have had a couple of struggles recently, one was about me going to the MC alone b/c he could't make it (he was *very* angry at me about that) and one was about me attending a business dinner with my boss and two other men, one a partner in our auditing firm and one a consultant who came to discuss some important industry changes which affect my job greatly (H was furious that I would even consider going, much less actually go. He pulled a stunt at the 11th hour that prevented me from going). So, there are still some problems. But overall, I see less anger in him.
My karate is going great, I still love it. I changed schools so that I now attend the same school as my son. H still has issues with the fact that I go, but he doesn't pull powerplays to prevent me from going and is relatively peaceful about it. But he makes it known he doesn't agree with it.
H is not drinking so much anymore. 6 beers and 6 O'Douls at a time twice a week. It's been almost a year now since he's had that routine (ever since I filed for D last year).
There is still a lot that isn't right about our R, but in looking back over where we've been, it's hard not to see that things are better. I just hope we stay that way, getting better.
With our history of power struggles, I would hate for sex to become one of them. Sex has always been an area of mutual satisfaction where we've not had problems except for frequency, which I can and have stepped up. So, I hate to create new problems for us.
On the other hand, I don't think this is really all under my control like H seems to think. He can kiss me at any time, at which point, I would become instantaneously open to sex. If I word it to H like that however, I'm concerned that he will feel like I am indeed using sex to get what I want. But I don't think I am~I was open to sex, we tried that route. That's my defense to that. We really did try that already. I want sex as much as he does, I just don't want to be treated like a street whore, ya know?