Am I Creating a SSM?

[heatherg]

Hi all,
My name is Heather and I usually post on the infidelity boards. A situation is creeping into my M that I thought you all would best be able to help me with.
A little background:
Me: 31
H: 32
Kids: D3, S5
H and I have been together since I was 17.
In July 2004, I confessed to some physical involvement with another man and some emotional involvement with a person I knew only through the internet. I cut off all contact with both of them.
Naturally, our R hit rock bottom and the last year and a half has been extremely turbulent, teetering on the brink of D.
We have had good times, in the span of whole weeks at a time during this past year and a half, but inevitably something happens to turn things bad again.
H and I are on a 'good cycle' right now. We started MC a few weeks back, but we've only been able to go a few times due to H's work schedule.

Ok, so here's what I hope you can help me with. During the good cycles of this turbulent time, H and I usually re-establish an intimate connection. We have sex. Because of my A, I am still not allowed back in my own bed. Because of my A, H still refuses to kiss me (kissing was the only physical interaction between OM and myself). We have worked around this, sexually speaking. But I found that it made me resentful and it made me question his motives for refusing to sleep with me or kiss me. I think I have a pretty good understanding of what my A did to our M and to my H's trust in me and his love for me. I know he needs time to heal. However, I can't help but think that if he is healed enough to have sex with me, he should be healed enough to kiss me or sleep in the same bed as me.

As far as our R is concerned, he won't say what he wants from it or what his goals may be. He will only say he takes it one day at a time and wants to start out simply 'being nice to each other'. I'm fine with that. But he seems to think that sex falls into the category of 'being nice to each other' and I'm not sure I agree.

To me, he seems to be witholding the EC that is supposed to be there during sex between two people who supposedly love each other. Which then makes it purely physical. Which then makes me feel used. It reminds me of Pretty Woman, where she reveals that she doesn't kiss her 'clients' because it is too intimate. It's just physical. I don't want to feel like Pretty Woman when I'm with my H.

So, H and I have had a couple short discussions about this the last couple nights and he seems to think I am 'driving the bus' on this issue and that he just has to sit back and wait for me to say that sex is ok now. I have explained my position and that when we've had sex in the recent past it made me feel a little resentful and this time things are going so well, I just want to take things slowly and re-establish our EC first. He said it was very unfair in the recent past because I would initiate sex too and then come to find out, I was feeling resentful. He is confused how I can feel resentful when I initiated sex just as often as he did. I explained to him, that I want sex, I want him. But overall, by doing it, it didn't make me feel good about our R. I feel like he is totally missing the point, because regardless of who initiates the contact, the end result is that he is not taking down the walls. I guess I hoped that it would come in time, but I just found that sex was causing too many negative feelings and I don't know how much time I should let go by, haveing sex, with all of that building up inside me. We have enough problems as it is.

So, if my crystal ball is working properly, I see this as becoming an issue at best and a power struggle at worst.

Any suggestions?