K, Have you ever asked him to chill out on the pre-emptive strike talk?
It took many times of me repeating it, but it finally sunk in with H. He no longer does this *at all*. Praise be.
Here is what I'd do (and I know it won't appeal to you, but stick with me now): MrHP: I'm tired and I have 5 meetings tomorrow and then I have to change the oil and go to D's tap dance lesson...I just want to go to bed now cause I know I'll be exhausted tomorrow. HP: Mmmm hmm. I hope you sleep well tonight, sounds like you will need it. MrHP: (indignantly) Yeah I will! HP: Are you telling me this because you think there is something I can do to help you feel less tired, or are you just venting? MrHP: (stammering) Well, I...yeah I suppose I am just venting. HP: Are you trying to tell me that you don't want to ML tonight? MrHP: I don't see how I am going to have the energy for it. HP: Fine. In the future I would like you to tell me that directly and not expect me to read between the lines of your complaining.
Sis, I couldn't count how many times I had to offer up this reminder but he eventually stopped.
And since you are married to my H's clone, you will know that he would indeed initiate many nights that he had previously complained off the Possibililty Chart. Go figure. Something about me saying, You're off the hook but you'd better be direct about it next time, got him fired up. Perhaps it was the feeling of "we'll ML when *I* say we ML, nobody 'lets me off the hook'!!" that he demonstrates with his actions, if not his words.
Another added benefit to me calling him on the carpet was that he stopped complaining so much once he realized that I would not allow him to opt out in that fashion. Sure, he might tell me how tired he was but it was phrased more as a statement rather than a resentful whine, kwim?
