Thanks for the links by the way. The only changes in H's medical condition are that he now takes medication for high cholesterol and Meridia. When we tried for DDalmost 2, we got preg in 3 cycles - one chem pregnancy in there too. My other kiddos are from a previous M. At this point the RE is saying that the fact that I have been six cycles or so without even a chem pregnancy means that likely things have changed for the worse.
Ok, this is really, REALLY bad advice, and acutally quite offensive to anyone who either has, or has had a fertility problem. Its dismissive of the fact that there IS IN FACT, a problem
Karen I am very sorry and embarassed if I was insensitive about this. I didnt see you and H as the desperately wanting/never had a child type couple.
My additional comments were not meant as medical advice, Im well aware of the timinig and some other things, for my own self protective reasons... they were just a way to take some of the seriousness of it with you and H. Removing stress has some amazing effects on the body in general. Before I ramble and cram my other foot in my mouth, Im just going to go finish chewing on the one I already got stuffed in there. Gonna take awhile.
Hey - no BIGGIE. I was not upset by anything that either of you said. It would be different if we were the never had a child/desperately trying etc...situation but we're not. You were both correct in that we are not the typical infertile couple at all. However, like many couples who have been trying to have a baby without success for a year - the whole issue of sex within the fertile window has become hot button. Probably because I am HD I can still get my head and body into a place where sex is not THAT abhorrent to me. The week before the fertile window I actively look forward to it that way my head is in the right place when the time comes. I don't know what H thinks about it because he actually seems surprised every time. In fact, before we got married H knew the basics of female anatomy but not a whole lot about the whole cycle. He pretty much thought that pregnancy could occur throughout the cycle except for during menses. Now, he has had his tutorial so it shouldn't be a surprise.
Right now we are in peak time of the fertile window and due to business and family reasons I can see that H is totally wiped out. I have already mentally absolved him of the disinterest that is sure to follow. The thing I hate is how he won't address it directly. He made a BIG point of saying how tired he was since he worked late two nights in a row and how he is going straight to bed (maybe without dinner) tonight because he has to get up tomorrow and go help his disabled friend in the yard for a few hours. So...what he is in effect saying is "K, I know we are in the fertile window and I know we have to have sex but what I'm gonna do is lay there and provide the erection and you do the rest." Folks, it ain't worth all that. I would rather forgo the chance to get pg this cycle. Maybe, if he would approach me adult to adult, "Honey, I'm really tired. Do you think we can just forgo this cycle or try tomorrow night and hope it's enough. I'm just wiped out and I really want sex to be fun and mutual and tonight it just wouldn't be." However, I'm left to interpret and make my own conclusions.
Anyway, Lil and Bf I value your advice and you both knew enough of my sitch that it wasn't out of line. Don't sweat it.
Quote: what he is in effect saying is "K, I know we are in the fertile window and I know we have to have sex but what I'm gonna do is lay there and provide the erection and you do the rest."
These are NOT the words of a man who WANTS a baby. Whether he wants sex per se or not-- if he wants YOU to have a baby HE has to fcuk you. Doesn't he see the connection between wanting a baby and wanting to have sex?
Those aren't his words that is my reading of his behaviors. Bf will get on my case here for "mind reading: and he is right. The real problem is that there are other times when he does want to FCUK but the whole "have to" thing seems to make him totally lacadaisical about it. He would say, "No, see, I really want a baby and I really want you I'm just so tired, worn out, frustrated, overworked, worried, etc..." I don't think we will be having sex tonight despite my fertility if he isn't going to be a full partner. We'll see what happens.
Sorry, I have to indulge in a bit of sarcasm here...
You to him: do you think I can make this baby by myself? As far as I know that only happened once.
You to him: if you really want a baby, YOU are going to have to make the sex happen. I will show you the calendar, and then it's up to you.
Sorry... I had to get that out of my system. I'm probably projecting my irritation at my bf (not about babies, but just stuff in general). <Lil retires to the kitchen to make low carb flax seed muffins...>
K, Have you ever asked him to chill out on the pre-emptive strike talk?
It took many times of me repeating it, but it finally sunk in with H. He no longer does this *at all*. Praise be.
Here is what I'd do (and I know it won't appeal to you, but stick with me now): MrHP: I'm tired and I have 5 meetings tomorrow and then I have to change the oil and go to D's tap dance lesson...I just want to go to bed now cause I know I'll be exhausted tomorrow. HP: Mmmm hmm. I hope you sleep well tonight, sounds like you will need it. MrHP: (indignantly) Yeah I will! HP: Are you telling me this because you think there is something I can do to help you feel less tired, or are you just venting? MrHP: (stammering) Well, I...yeah I suppose I am just venting. HP: Are you trying to tell me that you don't want to ML tonight? MrHP: I don't see how I am going to have the energy for it. HP: Fine. In the future I would like you to tell me that directly and not expect me to read between the lines of your complaining.
Sis, I couldn't count how many times I had to offer up this reminder but he eventually stopped.
And since you are married to my H's clone, you will know that he would indeed initiate many nights that he had previously complained off the Possibililty Chart. Go figure. Something about me saying, You're off the hook but you'd better be direct about it next time, got him fired up. Perhaps it was the feeling of "we'll ML when *I* say we ML, nobody 'lets me off the hook'!!" that he demonstrates with his actions, if not his words.
Another added benefit to me calling him on the carpet was that he stopped complaining so much once he realized that I would not allow him to opt out in that fashion. Sure, he might tell me how tired he was but it was phrased more as a statement rather than a resentful whine, kwim?
LOVE the book! I think maybe a bumper sticker on my forehead might help.
Honey,
I haven't addressed that issue nearly as much as I should. I admit that when I hear that sort of talk I just shut down. I think to myself - "H, do you think my life is a party? Why can I maintain interest in you no matter the difficulty and the slightest thing throws you off?"
Friday night H stepped up to the plate with no prompting and it was nice. Last night he got back from four hours of yard work in the rain and cold and an hour and a half drive each way to his disabled friend's house and after he got settled I gave him a nice all over body massage. Then he starts this goofy debate at bedtime about whether or not there is any value to Hollywoodized biographies of famous people e.g. Johnny Cash. Of course, he is totally exhausted but while we weren't arguing it was impossible to segue from that to starting a sexual connection. The atmosphere was charged with exhaustion and vague discontent, we hadn't seen each other all day - he left in the late morning after sleeping in and did not return until 9:30pm (his friend fixed dinner for him and the boys).
Anywho, I'm not upset. In my mind every time he chooses not to ML during the fertile window HE chooses for his goals to be farther away. I would like another baby but I have three and I could be happy with that too. So, I got up and tried my new "Goddess Workout" DVD - it is a belly dance workout and is very sexy and female affirming. So...onward we go. H has one more day then the fertile window closes.
The week before the fertile window I actively look forward to it that way my head is in the right place when the time comes. I don't know what H thinks about it because he actually seems surprised every time. In fact, before we got married H knew the basics of female anatomy but not a whole lot about the whole cycle. He pretty much thought that pregnancy could occur throughout the cycle except for during menses. Now, he has had his tutorial so it shouldn't be a surprise.