H - Eat your Oatmeal cookie

[Stigmata]

Hi Karen-

Good. Seems H enjoys the chocolate cake more when it's freshly frosted and sitting under tinfoil on the stove...taking his own initiative sneaking pieces when no one else is watching...

Than when someone else takes the initiative and serves it on a plate to him after every meal, whether he's stuffed/not hungry after dinner or not.

The less enthusiastic he is, the more my ego-alarm bells go off and I shut down, become resentful, get frightened and basically completely lose my sense of otherness (FOO, ex-H blah blah blah).

- Very good, Karen. You're seeing your projection. You don't really know the level or origin of his inner enthusiasm/interest so it must be YOU, righht?

And "frightened." Fear. Fear is on the opposite end of anger. Anger is controlling/lashing out. Fear is feeling out of control/feeling lashed/powerless. And fear is an self-esteem issue (as is anger )...insecurity. Over what? His "enthusiasm," Something you will never control. Good you're seeing this, so you can work to shore up your self-confidence. ie, "It's his mood/way of responding; it's not me or my attractiveness/sexiness."

You both bump insecurities "crashing" I think BF terms. His is feeling pressured to perform at a frequency and level to meet your expectations; yours is taking very personally his lack of perceived interest from time to time as an indictment on your sexuality.

Kinda feed off each other kwim? His performance etc. insecurity causes him to avoid initiation and feeds his lack of confidence; your insecurity as a result of his subsequent inactions cause you to shut down and resent...which circles back to him thinking he's letting you down in the SL when his unconscious witnesses your subsequent shutting down/resentment.

In short, you both think it's own self being externally repellent to the other but it's actuallly the OP's inner insecurity/lack of self-confidence that the OP has to deal with internally.

And good on the not chasing. His recent verbalizing LM times etc. to you and getting cranky when you pressure tells me he likes to feel like the one who leads/steers the SL and not the W. We all like to feel like our women are the satisfied passive receivers from time to time. "That's right. I keep her nice n happy/content, if you know what I mean."

I think the last thing an M wants to hear is the buddy saying to other Ms, "Hey, guys, guess what? 'John's' W is unhappy because he doesn't give it to her good enough/as often as she likes."

(usually immediately followed by an smarta$$ yelling out, "I'll give it to her if she wants. I'm all man, baby.")

Again, H came to bed and said "I really want to go to bed early on Monday night so we can have sex but it won't last long because...well, you know and then maybe Thursday." Of course, I said that sounds great, what's wrong with now? He said too tired, blah, blah, blah. This is progress. I really don't think that these were empty promises. H doesn't do too much empty promising. If he doesn't follow through I will have to say something but for now, this is progress and the best part is that I didn't prompt it...

- Yes, nice. And it seems like H has a bit of an issue with "creating the mood." Meaning, hearing you say "what about now" maybe makes him feel emasculated again that he isn't the manly man setting you up for the mood.n "Aw, dangit, Karen, you're making it feel contrived now."

Kinda the inverse of why an F hates it when she hears an M "ask" her if she will have sex with him, instead of just asserting himself and taking/seducing her with overpowering (but very respectful) lust/confidence.

In the past when I have had this happen I have thanked H, told him how much it means to me or something like that. Well, I have learned that to H this kind of "praise" actually sends a negative/evalutative message of some kind. Anyone have a suggestion for showing "appreciation" without having that kind of message.

- Yes. I see it. Draws too much attention. Almost like you're so desperate (not saying you are) for his sexual "kindness" that your praises for his IOU kind of makes him feel "icky" and self-conscious for putting you in this "thank you thank you thank you"grateful posture.

Maybe your solution can be not to say anything when he rain checks for a certain day.

Or, better perhaps ann sexy-voiced, "Thursday works for me, baby." Followed by an nice kiss. Then dropping it until the set upon hnight.

What this does:

Gets you both on an equal partner plane/decision-making basis and steers away from the power-imbalanced roles of grateful wanting-sex supplicant and the evil stingy sex giver.

-Stigmata-