Lost my post. I will try again. It was long and convaluted anyway.
Vacation? In a nutshell, it was fair. A C minus. I spent most my time with the little kids. H spent most of his time with the big kids. I woke with the baby in the am and was wiped out by midnight. H woke at 10 or 11, worked out and stayed up until 2 am with the teens. I barely saw H except for the one time we had sex and the one evening we went to dinner. I don't even think he saw me in my new bikini. How is that for suckage?
H may have realized that I found the experience less than ideal since he made sure to tell me that he is looking forward to our weekend away at the end of April. I'm not sure if I am or not.
I am debating whether this whole deal is worth a discussion. The list of mitigating circumstances that H will recite will be as follows: the Jeep broke down on the way and H lost a day, he went one night to pick up a couple of the college kids from the airport at midnight, the DS14 and his friend needed supervision so he couldn't just leave them to their own devices at midnight, he had to train for his triathlon (he took the 14 year olds along too), and finally, my period started toward the end of the week. All this added up to me being alone with the girls most of the time. The time I had with H was during dinner and in the evening watching DVDs.
I have a very sour taste in my mouth about the whole deal. As the baby and I did our 5 mile walk in the mornings, as we played on the beach with DD8, as I spent most of my time alone, men 20-40 years old assumed I was single and chatted me up, complimented me, gave me cute lines etc.. (My fave, "Did you two just step out of a bathtub full of rainbows this morning?") I just want to scream at H, "WHY DON'T YOU NOTICE ME? CLEARLY I AM NOT HIDEOUS SO WHAT IS THE GD PROBLEM?" It makes me afraid that at some point I will become vulnerable to an affair. I've said this before and I don't think it is imminent but how long can I take this?
On to Star Trek. As we were watching the other night, there was an episode where an alien seduces Dr. Crusher. Apparently, he has done the same throughout the ages with other women in her family and has drawn power from them etc... She has this dreamy, orgasmic look on her face whenever she is with him. Anyway, H says, "I wish I could make a woman look like that, preferably Karen." Well, how could he if he doesn't even try? The alien was, of course, a master of seduction...he knew what to say, what to do, how to look in her eyes, touch her until she was "quivering with desire" (a nod to the bodice ripper books we women love). Is all of this issue in this M that H sees himself as inept? Could that explain what happens here? What do I do with that? Then, every time I bring things up I am just making him feel like a failure and digging the hole further (which is, by the way, how these conversations feel to me). What the h*ll am I supposed to do?
