That was a great question for its own thread. I have been out of a M and without sex for a period of time and I was happy to do without sex with no meaning, lousy sex, sex with strangers etc... but I was extremely UNHAPPY to do without sex for both physical and psychological reasons.
I didn't want to stay celibate but I didn't want to go down the road of miserable or meaningless sex either. However, there was an acting out side of me that kinda did want to go out and just once have completely inappropriate sex with someone who thought I was sh!t hot (someone younger or impossibly sexy but irresponsible or something like that). That was a momentary impulse, easily pushed aside. I guess, Mojo that I can see where even inside marriage one could begin to view the impulse to initiate just like that - momentary, easily pushed aside.
However, I feel that there would forever be an lack of fulfillment, a sadness in me that I didn't have the kind of bonded sexual life that for me is a hallmark of a successful, happy M. There is part of me that sees the state of health of the SL as a measure of my womanhood but also my wifehood (if you will). I would feel (as I do) that I am leading half a life. That is why when my R with H developed to the point that things were clearly headed down a sexual road I felt so thrilled, like God had handed me a gift, a second chance at happiness, at being partnered with someone, at expressing myself fully. Well, turns out , of course, that it just wasn't going to be that easy. Now I believe that God/life/fate said "Guess what - you have to work for it." That's ok but this has been some really hard work and it just keeps being hard. Letting go, non-attachment isn't easy that is for sure, Mojo. I'm just not sure that non-attachment will get me where I want to go. I might get more of myself back but I'm not sure that the "usness" I am seeking will be the net effect. Unfortunately, as of yet, I don't have a better answer so the net result remains to be seen.
I am writing this while the baby is napping, H has taken DS14 and his buddy out on a bike ride and DD8 is doing homework. It is 84 degrees and the tide is in. I am feeling at peace despite the fact that H isn't feeling particularly cuddly nor sexual YET.
On our drive down I took the 15 passenger van with the foster kids and the little ones. H drove the Jeep CJ-7. It is completely restored and a lot of fun to drive on the beach. However, as an old car it is prone to mechanical issues. Sure enough, five hours into the drive, it broke down. This is a 14 hour drive if nothing bad happens. So....after H tinkered with it on I-95 for 45 minutes, he called AAA and stayed with it in Rocky Mount, NC while a shop worked on it and the kids and I continued on to Daytona. As it happened, they fixed it but H was so strung out and so far behind us by then that he spent the night at a Comfort Inn and drove down the next day. He was ok about it because that is one of the hazards of driving a restored jeep. So...he got here yesterday afternoon and we all had a very nice day but we were really done in when bedtime came, baby was experiencing night terrors and cried in her sleep at intervals throughout the night - lovely. Anyway, relaxation is coming slowly but it is coming.
Already H committed the first "party foul" when he stretched out on the couch to watch a DVD and accidentally broke a lamp. His laughing response was evidence that he is starting to breathe. I am biding my time looking for the opportunity to spend time with the vacation version of H. I really enjoy that.
